


Melancholia

by skrivarmelodi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Fluff, I'm sorry Makkachin, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-09-20 03:34:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 43,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9473588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skrivarmelodi/pseuds/skrivarmelodi
Summary: Victor Nikiforov, the living legend, lost his inspiration and decided to take a year off. But things get worse after he loses his dog and eventually himself. Could a trip to Japan help Victor find himself again? - An AU that starts where YOI began.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not my first fanfiction I'm writing, but it's my first Yuri on Ice one. I'm sorry for the depressing start but it'll get happier with each chapter. Also, I'll write Japanese Yuri's name as Yuuri since that's how they write it in Katakana and also so people don't get confused when I mention the other Yuri (I wanted to go with Yurio but that won't really work here). And I'm sorry Makkachin!
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it and if you like what you read, leave a comment! Mon

**Melancholia**

 

**Part 1**

 

They called him 'The Living Legend', a title given to him by his fans and by the media.

What else would you call an ice-skater with such a successful career as Victor Nikiforov's?

He was at the top of the figure skating world by the age of 16 and he had won five consecutive World Championships gold metal and five gold ones at the GPF, just to mention some.

So the nickname was understandable.

Victor felt really proud of himself, since he had been working hard to get there where he was. Ice skating was what he loved and what he could do best and he also was good with people, encouraging them to do their best and believe in themselves.

That's because he believed that kindness should be shared whenever possible. And yes, he believed in kindness, but that didn't mean that he couldn't fight for things or speak his mind.

But there was this thing called inspiration…and it wasn't easy to find because it was not something you could buy or ask for.

Inspiration and ideas, they came out of nowhere and, as an ice skater, who had to tell a story through music and movements, he needed inspiration. Because Victor wanted to challenge himself but, more importantly, he wanted to surprise the audience.

If he wouldn't manage to do that, he had no idea how to keep on skating.

He felt, with the final approaching, that he had no ideas and no inspiration for the next season. It wasn't the first time he felt lost and unsure about what he could do to surprise his fans. It had happened before, but compared to this, after winning gold for the fifth time in a row, it was terrifying.

This was a different kind of 'being lost' and 'don't know what to do'. When the media asked him what he had planned for the next season, Victor had no answer. He came up with the excuse everyone used before him: that he needed time to think.

So he decided to take a year off from competitive skating to find the missing inspiration.

But the lack of inspiration was not the only thing haunting him. There was also something else people called heartbreak.

Victor knew too well that love hadn't really been part of his life in the past 20 years. There was simply no room for that and even if 'love' had sometimes found a way into his life, it always turned out to be superficial.

Considering who he was, his success and his talent, really, it wasn't surprising that most people liked the 'public Victor', not really knowing the true Victor.

The true Victor was a bit insecure, a bit flamboyant, always positive and hard working but also a bit weird – if you wanted to call it like that. He was a human, just like everyone else, and people tent to forget that. He didn't blame anyone for being disappointed – maybe – when they figured how human he actually was. It was part of the deal when you became famous. You needed to be perfect, you needed to have a certain image and keep that image alive.

When he was young he was the talented, innocent boy who worked hard and was loved by everyone. When he became older he became the guy everyone wanted a piece of and almost no one hadn't called him 'hot' or screamed 'how they loved him'. But, of course, it was a superficial 'love and life', a different reality that only existed for a specific time span.

Victor knew that all too well and, no matter how many times he met a person and felt something - but eventually it didn't work out – he never felt heartbroken like he did after his fifth GPF win.

It was at the banquet where he met him, a young Japanese man who was maybe three years younger than him. He was insanely drunk but so adorable that Victor laughed to himself after that night because, obviously, only he could fall in love with a boy who had a dance off with Yuri and pole danced with Chris.

But it was more than just that.

The way his eyes sparkled, the way he smiled and clung to Victor asking him to become his coach if he won the dance off... who knew a Japanese boy he didn't even knew the name of, could make him feel so much.

But that boy disappeared and Victor never met him again. Perhaps he hadn't meant any of the things he had said and did?

After all, he was drunk.

But didn't people say the truth while being drunk?

So Victor asked Yuri and Yakov and found out the name of the boy and how terribly he did during the competition. He felt sorry for him but listened to his coach, who said to just leave him alone and focus on his own career, because that was more important.

Victor knew he was right and decided to focus on himself for now.

He thought and thought, days turned into weeks and then a month had passed and there was no change.

There was nothing in Russia that inspired him. No song, no book and everything he tried out didn't feel right. While everyone praised him during their training and still looked at him with surprise and admiration in their eyes, Victor felt empty and unsatisfied. He could do more, he could do better, but for some reason he couldn't push further.

It was a February evening and he was walking home, sighing for what felt the the hundred time. Once he arrived home, he entered and his dog was waiting for him. Makkachin welcomed him wagging his tail excitedly and Victor smiled at him at that sight.

This smile felt real and warm while any other smile – outside of his apartment – felt forced. He wondered if anyone realized it because no one had said a thing. Or maybe they hadn't because they knew that Victor was struggling.

Beside the lost inspiration and a broken heart, there was his dog who, he knew, wouldn't remain at his side forever. Although he loved him and considered him his family - and the only living being who loved him for who he was - he knew Makkachin was old. Too old. And that alone would have been reason enough to take a year off, so he could spent more time with his dog.

Victor patted his head, took of his shoes and coat before he walked to the living room. Sometimes his apartment felt too big for him alone but living together with someone was not an option. He needed time alone, a place without noise and cameras and, as long as Makkachin would be with him, it would be enough and as long as he could rest properly and enjoy his time there, he would use the spare space as a place to properly think and make research.

But lately even his apartment couldn't help him with finding inspiration. In fact he spent most of his time with Makkachin, cooking or watching the photos and videos from the banquet. That was the only thing left from the Japanese boy and one of the few things that made him happy.

Yuuri Katsuki, that was his name.

That was what the Russian Yuri had told him and Victor understood that it was his way to cheer him up, since he had to listen to Victor talking about the Japanese guy and how cute he was.

March came and Victor stopped with his training to use his new free time for new things and things he hadn't done in a while.

He took Makkachin for long walks through a park, he took walks at night, called his family and caught up with them – even if he didn't feel like seeing them. He went to restaurants, cafes, theaters, but he couldn't find any spark. It was like, whatever he saw and heard didn't reach his consciousness nor his heart or soul.

Not to forget the people who noticed him, and often though he was walking in disguise.

It left Victor frustrated so he decided to go back to the ice rink where the others were training and where he had trained for so many years. Maybe it was better to go back and watch Yuri and the others skate. After all, he needed inspiration for his own ice skating and he knew how talented the others were.

But it didn't help because the more he watched the more he felt like a spy, trying to find inspiration in something that wasn't his to take.

“You don't look good, Victor.” said Yakov when everyone but Victor had left the ice rink.

He had no idea how long he stood there, watching the nightlights falling on the blueish ice, making it glistening in such a beautiful way that left Victor breathless even after years. He loved to feel the cold because it was refreshing on his skin but still made him feel warm inside, because it made him happy. Even now, although he felt lost and frustrated, it made him happy.

But hearing Yakov's words took a bit of the happiness away. So they were able to actually see how bad he felt?

“It'll pass, don't worry. There is a first time for everything, right?”

Yakov chuckled and shrugged “Well, that's true, but I still believe taking a year off was not the right decision. But then, I'm not surprised. You've been struggling for a while now.”

“Haha, am I so easy to read? Wow.” Victor said with a tired smile.

“I wouldn't say that but, I've been your coach for a long time. Of course I can see right through you most of the time.”

Victor hummed his agreement and leaned against the railing, watching the ice again. Victor understood that he was surprising people and behaving differently compared to his usual happy, positive and hard working self. The only good thing was that only people who really knew him saw his different behavior and not the rest of the world.

“Actually I do enjoy the free time I have. I can eat what I want without being too careful about my weight, I can do things like watching movies and do things I usually needed to plan beforehand. Also, Makkachin isn't that young anymore and I'd like to spend more time with him.”

“You know that I'm not happy about your decision but I understand. Being watched by the public eye and all the noise and people... you have every right to demand some privacy. However, Vitya, I'm still worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately,” Yakov said and Victor appreciated his honesty.

“I don't feel like myself. But I felt that way even before I decided to take a year off.” Victor admitted because if he trusted someone it was Yakov.

Obviously, he had been rebellious and he spoke his mind, frustrating Yakov more than one time, but that just made their relationship grow to what it was today.

“Do you want to hear what I'd suggest you do?” Yakov asked and Victor chuckled.

“Since when are you asking me if I want to hear your opinion? That's not like you.” Victor smiled tiredly.

“Vitya, I'm serious. I don't think this break is good for you. You even stopped practicing and that makes me worry.”

“I'll start again soon, don't worry,” was all Victor said before he left the hall.

Victor thought about Yakov's words for a long time and wondered if he was right. Maybe it wasn't smart to stop what he loved and what gave him the feeling of strength and freedom too. It always felt good to feel the air on his skin, in his hair, to push his body to its limits, try out new moves and jumps. Victor remembered the feeling all too well and he wanted to feel that way again. But how?

He felt a bit motivated and started to re-watch his own videos from competitions and practices. Then he checked social media platforms to see what the others were doing and it made him happy to see how good they were doing and that they all had found an inspiration for the next season. After all, he considered some of them his friends, and he wanted to see his friends happy.

Filled with a new energy he had been missing in the past weeks, he left his apartment and walked to the hall but stopped when he was standing in front of it.

That place had been his home for so long but now when he looked at it he felt like there was no room for him. Not enough space to breath or think, even when he sneaked around – which felt really weird – and watched Yuri and the others practice. Did he use to look like them? Just as determined and hardworking? Smiling when he managed a jump that was difficult? Did he fly over the ice just like them, feeling the freedom and love for the ice?

He went back home and on his way he tried to remember the feeling, but he couldn't. It was more like all of that had been a dream and never real. Why was everyone able to find something new and something inspirational but he couldn't? How did he do it in the past? It was like someone took that memory out of his mind and he had no idea where to find it.

Was his career really over? Was this a sign from some higher power, trying to tell him that he needed to find a new purpose for his life and make room for other skaters?

No, he didn't feel like he had reached that point just yet. It felt wrong more than taking a year off.

April came and Victor forgot all about the ice skating, about the missing inspiration and about what his purpose.

It was a rainy day and he had just came back from grocery shopping but he knew something was wrong. Makkachin didn't greet him like he usually did. No sound, no bark, no noise at all and Victor just knew that he had just lost a part of his family. In the past days Makkachin had slept more, ate less and always remained close to Victor - more than usual. And Victor comforted him, while understanding without a word what that meant.

That day was the last time he hugged Makkachin and the first time he cried because of him.

The loss of Makkachin left a deep wound inside his soul and though Victor knew that he needed to keep on living, it was so hard to do so. He wondered if he had done something bad to deserve this, first losing his inspiration, then familiar things starting to feel foreign and weird to him and then losing part of his family. Logically he knew that was just how life went - sometimes you win sometimes you lose - but when you were used to winning losing so much in just a couple of months felt awful.

His apartment became a big, cold space that he simply used as an hiding place since Makkachin died.

He didn't want to see anyone or hear anything. He even asked one of the assistants if they had someone who would go shopping for him, because all he could do was sit there, watch old videos of his performances and trainings, wondering where that guy on the screen was and what had happened to him, all of this while drinking until he was too drunk to feel or think and would simply fall asleep.

He never had any issues with drinking or something against it. It was - if you wanted to say so - part of his culture to go out drinking with your colleagues. It was normal to drink something when you where out or at a party. But he had never drank so much that he couldn't sleep or feel numb for the amount of alcohol in his body. It was a harmless thing to do whenever the time was right and Victor didn't notice when it became something he used to stop thinking and help him sleep.

It was May when he woke up and finally noticed what a mess his apartment had become. He remembered that he used to clean his place even after Makkachin died, but now it was just a mess and, though his head hurt badly and he probably looked wasted, he decided to clean and take a long hot shower.

Which wasn't easy at all.

Cleaning and showering seemed so hard to do and when he looked at his reflection he noticed how awful he actually looked. Dark rings under his eyes, skin pale in an unhealthy way and his eyes had lost their light. It was hard to recognize himself and shocking to see what he had become.

He covered his face with one hand, inhaled and then exhaled, trying to calm down. It made him so upset to see his reflection. How did it come to this? What could he do in order to stop feeling this empty and cold?

He left the bathroom and took his phone to read the texts from Yakov and Yuri, both asking him if he was still alive – that was their way of showing how worried they actually were. He simply texted back 'I'm alright' and went into his bedroom. He decided to take a nap, eat something and then go out. He couldn't stay there forever and stop living while telling other people to do their best and never give up. It were his own words and he used to believe in them, so why couldn't he follow his own advice?

As he was walking through the streets and saw the people around him smiling with their friends and partners he wondered what that felt like. Smiling seemed to be such a hard thing to do that even when he forced his lips to imitate the movement, it hurt badly. He wanted to cry and curl up in his bed, but he was tired of all the crying he had done. So he forced himself to keep on walking until he stopped at a nice looking bar.

He had been there before with Yakov and when he entered the building he noticed familiar faces, all of them welcoming him with a bright smile. Victor remembered to smile so people wouldn't see right through him and, since it wasn't real, he somehow managed to do that at least.

What started out as a fun night, ended in a disaster he didn't even really realized when it happened. First he was sitting together with all these people who used to be part of the Russian ice skating team. No one of them was famous, since they worked in the background, but their jobs weren't less important. Then he started drinking drink after drink, and told them about Makkachin. He didn't cry, he was just remembering good things, and eventually someone got tired of his whining and started a fight.

The next day he woke up to the sound of his phone. But it was not his alarm, it was the sound of incoming texts. He blinked several times, looked next to him where his bed was empty, and that brought back the pain of his loss. Still, he reached for the phone. There were several texts from Yuri and Yakov, telling him that he shouldn't leave the house for the day and others from other foreigners ice skaters he considered his friends.

Christophe Giacometti, perhaps, was his closest friend ~~s~~ , and in his text he was asking if Victor was alright and what was going on because he hadn't heard from him in a while.

Victor couldn't understand why they seemed to be so concerned about him and why they were telling him to not leave his place.

He sat up and hissed when his head started to hurt badly.

Hungover, right.

He had been drinking yesterday but he couldn't really remember what had happened, and that was bad enough. He, as someone famous watched by the public eyes, should have known better. Still, he checked the news and groaned to himself when he read the headlines: 'Victor Nikiforov caught in a fight' or 'The living legend drunk!' or – and that was probably the worst part 'Victor Nikiforov: Drowning his pain in alcohol?'.

He didn't read any of those articles and he avoided his Instagram and Twitter because he could only imagine how worried and angry his fans were, but he could also imagine that other people would been sharing their hate for him.

This situation was new to him and he didn't know what to do. Staying there alone seemed like a bad idea because he was scared to be alone.

Victor wasn't used to be alone. He always had someone around him who would distract him from whatever he had to face during his career. Makkachin, Yakov, even the much younger Yuri, who still needed to grow but understood so much already.

How was he supposed to handle this situation with his mind running wild and with his breathing that felt so painful but used to be a natural thing? He couldn't just smile about that, he couldn't shake it off like many other thing... because he was no longer the Victor he used to be.

This Victor didn't know how to handle this situation.

All he could do was lay in his bed, wrap his arms around his body and hold himself together because he felt like he was going to break apart.

 

* * *

 

_1 year later_

 

“You look like shit.” Yuri said and Victor wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. Yet he made the effort to open his eyes, look to his right and there was Yuri, green eyes, blond hair and sitting on his table while Victor was on the couch.

“Hello Yuri.” Victor said, his voice tired and foreign to him for so long now.

“I'm tempted to hold a mirror to your face because I doubt you've seen yourself for the past months. Because I'm sure if you did, you'd just drop dead by the shock of seeing your reflection.”

“Still the same big mouth as usual. ” Victor chuckled to himself, trying to ignore the pain in his head. He wondered why he still hadn't gotten used to that feeling by now.

“You better get your drunk ass up from that couch before Yakov kicks you.” Yuri said standing up.

Yakov? What did he mean by Yakov kicking him from this couch?

“Your apartment is a freaking trash dump. Ew...”

Victor covered his eyes with his hand and waited for Yuri to leave because that was what he usually did. He came over sometimes to check if Victor was still alive, probably even to try to talk some sense into him. But Victor would just use his rehearsed smile and shake it all off.

“Yuri? Is he up!?” Victor heard Yakov calling and sighed.

So Yakov was there…must have been his lucky day.

He didn't hear what Yuri answered, it was silent for a while and then he heard steps, Yakov's familiar steps, that stopped right next to him. Then he gasped for air when something heavy landed on his body.

He took his hand off his eyes, noticed his bag on his body and then he looked up to see Yakov. He hadn't change at all, but he was pissed, really pissed.

“Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Victor Nikiforov?”

“It's just a phase.” Victor said, using the answer he had been using for everything in the past year.

Drinking was just a phase, locking himself up in his apartment was just a phase...while, in fact, it wasn't.

“Yeah, that phase is over now. You're going to Japan.”

 

 


	2. Part 2

Part 2

 

“What do you mean by “you're going to Japan”?” 

Victor asked, clearly confused by how Yakov would have came up with that idea. He had literally no connections to Japan beside the ice skaters he had met at competitions during the past years. 

If he was being honest he had been interested in Japan for a while, but the reason why was forgotten…and it was not the only thing he had forgotten about in the past year.

“Are you questioning my decision? I know what can be good for you.”

“Well, you're not my coach anymore.” Victor said while sitting up, no longer bothered by the pain in his head.

“Shut up and get ready, Victor.” Yuri said entering the living room again.

“Why should I leave? I like it here.” Victor said, pouting and hugging the bag Yakov had left on him just some minutes ago. 

“You need to get out of here and see something else. Besides, your image is already ruined enough so better hide for a while and get your act together.” Yakov explained. 

“Get his act together”, Victor thought. 

Why should he do that? And how was he supposed to do that?

He couldn't keep his apartment clean, he couldn't even go out and do grocery shopping by himself. How was he supposed to do something that big if he couldn't even do those little things? 

Also, it wasn't like he cared about his image anymore. There weren't many things he still cared about. The most important thing for him had become alcohol and the usual drink he had before going to bed so he could sleep at least a little.

He looked up to see Yuri's annoyed face and Yakov's warning glare and then he looked to the floor where the newspapers still were. Newspapers with him on the first page, talking about how he had, once again, left a bar totally wasted. Or how he got involved into troubles again and tons of gossip that weren't even true.

But Victor couldn't care less. 

It used to bother him how little he cared, but eventually he started to drink it all away. 

Then he looked out of the window, saw the sun shining down on the streets of Saint Petersburg and also the guy with a camera waiting for him outside, ready to catch him in another questionable moment. 

Did it really matter where he went?

After all he was 'the living legend' and everyone familiar with the ice skating world knew him. Though, was it really like that anymore? It had already been a year since he stopped being “the living legend” and there should be someone who had taken his place, right? 

He groaned because he hadn't been thinking about any of that for so long.

“So?” Yuri asked and Victor looked back at them.

Victor didn't want to deal with the two of them nor with the media that haunted him still. He just wanted to remain in his shelter, where he could do whatever he wanted. Though, knowing Yakov and Yuri, they would bother him again and again and if Japan meant that he could get away from everything and continue to live ~~t~~ his life like that, why should he be against it? 

In Russia there was literally nothing left for him and since they both seemed to have organized everything for his departure and stay in Japan, it would have been stupid to say no (not that he had the energy or mind to do that for himself).

“Fine. I probably need a vacation.” Victor said standing up. 

“You need to take a shower. And get an haircut.” Yuri said with disgust written all over his face. 

Without another word Victor went into the bathroom, locked the door and pressed his hand against his forehead. He could feel his hair touching his fingers and realized just then that it really had gone a lot longer. It wasn't just his hair that changed tho  it was also his body in general. He was thinner and his skin was paler than ever and when he looked at his reflection in the mirror, he remembered Yuri's words. 

His reflection should have shocked him, it should have helped him to realize that everything had gone wrong and that he needed to do something to go back to the person he liked to see. 

But Victor didn't care and used the little strength he could find to take a shower and shave his face, deciding that a hat and a pair of sunglasses would be enough to hide from curious eyes and get away from there as soon as possible. 

“At least he doesn't stink anymore.” Yuri mumbled after Victor left the bathroom and presented himself with an empty smile, as if he didn't understand how serious the situation was. 

Yakov sighed and threw the bag towards Victor who caught it at the last moment. 

“The rest of your stuff will arrive next week.” Yakov said. 

Victor only shrugged, not even asking how long he was supposed to stay in Japan. He didn't even ask if they had a plan and, if yes, what their plan was. Right now he just wanted to leave and turn his back to everything and everyone who invaded his privacy. 

Victor didn't say anything while they were driving to the airport. He was too overwhelmed to be outside in the first place and see all the people, and then there was the traffic, and the sky was so bright that, without his sunglasses, his eyes would have hurt badly. 

He didn't listen to whatever Yuri and Yakov were talking about and closed his eyes until they arrived. Yakov gave him his ticket and only then Victor noticed that it was a one way ticket.

“Where am I going to stay?” Victor asked, ignoring the pain that suddenly found its way through his soul surprising him, since he hadn't felt anything at all in the past months. 

Seeing the ticket he felt like they were sending him in exile. 

“We have everything organized. Someone will pick you up from the airport and drive you to an Inn.”

“An Inn, huh? Not some rehabilitation place for alcoholics?” Victor joked. 

“I can't listen to that anymore.” Yuri groaned and Victor knew too well how hard it must be for him to keep his mouth at bay. 

“No, nothing like that. Just go there and have a break from Russia.”

Victor didn't ask more questions, he didn't even reconsider his decision, because he still trusted Yakov and the fact that he only wanted the best for him. That had never changed and maybe it was also the little voice of guilt that bothered him, that convinced him to go through with it. 

After Makkachin died, Yakov gave Victor the space he needed. Yakov didn't even interfere when Victor started to behave recklessly, damaging his image – because everyone makes mistakes – and he was the one who did the damage control. 

But Victor had been ungrateful, getting involved into more and more troubles and, eventually, Yakov was at a loss and started to send others to check on him since he probably couldn't handle seeing him in such an awful state. 

Victor felt guilt, so much guilt, but drank it all away before going to sleep and forgot all about it, at least until the next day. However, facing Yakov brought it all back, and he simply nodded. 

“Call me when you arrive.” Yakov said and with that he and Yuri left, leaving Victor alone. 

* * *

During the flight Victor slept most of the time because being awake and doomed to think was just too much to handle for him, especially when his thoughts weren't bringing anything good. They used to be good thoughts, but now, when he thought about ice skating, his career and what he had accomplished, he just felt empty. 

And that cold emptiness hurt. 

Then, besides these thoughts, he would recall Makkachin, his family, who had been worried about him and that, together with his career, was the last thing he wanted to be reminded of. 

He woke up an hour before they were supposed to arrive and looked out into the night sky. Of course Yakov would let him arrive during the night in order to go unnoticed and freely go to the place where he would stay for... he didn't know how long. 

He wondered what the Inn would be like while remembering that the summer in Japan could be hot – and it was June. Usually he would have thought about all the things he could have done during the summer, but not this time. All he wanted was to arrive at the Inn and lock himself up in his room. 

They landed and when Victor made his way through the airport to get his bag he wondered who would pick him up – since he didn't have any friends in Japan – or how he would even recognize the person. 

He somehow doubted that someone would hold up a sign with 'Nikiforov' written on it. Also, since when did Yakov have connections to Japan? Because he was sure that Yakov wouldn't sent him off to someone he didn't know personally. 

No matter how Victor behaved or what he did, Yakov still cared about him like a father cared for his son, and the guilt he had felt at the airport in Saint Petersburg returned. 

He got his bag and made his way toward the exit, still hidden under a hat and sunglasses while looking up to see if there was someone he would recognize or someone who would recognize him. 

Indeed there was someone, and never Victor would have imagined him being the one to pick him up. 

“Chris?” Victor said quietly once he arrived in front of him. 

“Yuri didn't joke when he said that you looked awful.” Chris said and though he tried to look like it didn't bother him, Victor could see that it did. 

“Why are all the people around me so brutally honest?” Victor said, trying to sound nonchalant. “Are you here on vacation?”

A vacation with Chris didn't sound that bad because Chris was a person who would let him be, without constantly reminding Victor of the failure he had became during the past year – Yakov's face had been a reminder enough for him. 

But Chris was, as far as Victor knew, still skating. And he didn't want to talk about that. He didn't even knew what was going on in the ice skating world. Who won last year? Who was at the top now? 

Victor didn't want to hear any of that.

“No. I'm here to drive you to the Inn. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning to start practicing in Switzerland.”

Every joke Victor had in mind and every idea about what he and Chris could do vanished instantly, and he nodded quietly. 

Practice, right. So Chris was still competing.

He followed Chris outside until they were inside the car, safe from cameras and curios ears. He leaned back, looked outside to watch the traffic and endless lights and signs, which lightened up the city. 

Everything should have looked and felt different for him, but for some reason Victor still felt the same way he did in Saint Petersburg. 

Still empty, still tired of everything.

Yet, he hadn't seen Chris in a while and, even if he wasn't the positive, hard working Victor Nikiforov anymore, he was still ‘skeptical Victor’, who learned to question and not trust everything.

Everyone who had been part of that superficial business, knew not to believe in everything, to not take everything for granted and that, even though people seemed to be genuine they could still have selfish reasons. 

“I guess Yakov asked you to pick me up? Why you though? He could have send an assistant with me or call whatever service they use here in Japan to pick me up.” Victor asked since it seemed a bit too much to ask someone like Chris – who was famous as well – to do something like that.

“Don't be ridiculous, Victor. We're friends and obviously I'm worried. Looking and behaving like that is so unlike you. But the last time I visited you, you wouldn't even talk to me, nor open the door.” Chris said with a sad chuckle. 

“The last time... when was that?”

“Almost six months ago.” Chris answered without hesitation as if he knew that Victor forgot.

“Sorry, can't remember that.” Victor said more to himself than to Chris.

“I thought so. You've always been the forgettable type so it was easy to guess, that you'd forget.”

The forgettable type? Had he been that kind of person? He couldn't even remember who he used to be and even if he tried, all he saw were lights shining down on him and the faint sound of applause. A big, blurry memory he hadn't tried to recall during the past year. 

“You guys shouldn't worry. It's just a phase, it'll be over one day.”

“Do you really believe that, Victor?”

Victor didn't say anything because he wasn't ready to hear yet another lecture or some kind of advice. 

“Just know that... whenever you need me I'm here, alright?”

But all Victor needed was sleep...and a drink, so his mind would stop recalling all these things that brought him pain. The past was in the past, right? And the way he lived now was his way to keep himself together and that was everything he could do. Everything else didn't matter. 

“I thought you'd call me out and give me a lecture about the failure I've become.” Victor eventually admitted because he felt like he could share this with Chris.

Yakov would have jumped on the comment, hopeful that some sense had finally reached Victor and was trying to push him on the right path. But he felt that the right path was also the hardest one and he simply had no strength left to walk that road again. 

For the past twenty years all he had done was working harder and harder and he was tired of it. Tired of fighting, working, thinking. 

“Would that help you to realize something?” Chris asked.

“No.” Victor answered without hesitation. 

“See? You've always been a rather stubborn person and you do what you want anyway. That's why I'm sure you'll be alright one day. Which doesn't mean that I'm not worried because I am. Also, I miss skating against you.”

Victor hummed, pressing his head against the window glass, wanting to say that he doubted that he'll ever skate again. His lips didn't move because when he thought about saying it out loud, the words became too heavy and his tongue refused to move. 

“What is this vacation all about though?” Victor asked instead.

“To get you to a place much nicer than your apartment. I doubt that you want another scandal printed on the newspapers, right?”

“It's not like I care.” Victor said. And he meant it. If he cared, nothing like that would have happened in the first place. 

“No, with the state of your mind right now it's obvious that you don't. Let's just see how this vacation goes, hm?”

Victor shrugged and said nothing for the rest of the drive. Instead he pretended to sleep while his thoughts were running wild, and that was something he hated. Because his mind, when he was sober, never stopped producing useless thoughts and memories.

The way he lived was good, at least for him.

It was still dark outside when they arrived and Victor was surprised to find himself in a rather quiet and small city. He should have been surprised right from the beginning when he saw that his destination hadn't been Tokyo but Fukuoka and when he looked at the time on his phone he realized that only two hours had passed. Chris left the car first to take Victor's bag out and then waited for him to leave the car as well. Suddenly his body felt heavy but he climbed out of the car and took in the building and the sign that were in front of him.

“Yu-topia Katsuki? Wait, is that an hot spring?”  Victor asked as he walked around the car. 

“Yeah, it's really nice here.” Chris said with a smile. “Not just the onsen but also the people who own this place.”

Victor wasn't sure if he cared enough about that. As long as he had his own room, something to eat and especially drink he was fine with staying anywhere.

He followed Chris inside and the first thing he was greeted with was an unfamiliar warmth and the nice smell of something tasty. His stomach reacted immediately to that smell, and it had been a while since he had felt this kind of hunger. 

“Come on, I'll take you to your room.” Chris said. 

Victor thought that was a bit strange. Was he really so familiar with the place that he could just walk in and out? Did he know the people who owned it? Because there was no memory in his mind of Chris ever mentioning this place and Victor was sure that Chris would have taken him here in the past if that was the case.

However, he didn't question anything. He just wanted to eat something, drink beer or sake – after all he was in Japan – and finally sleep. 

“What about food? I'm hungry.” Victor asked.

“Don't worry about that. It's all in your room.” Chris explained while they walked through a corridor and stopped in front of a sliding door. It wasn't a modern place like his apartment, but it was old in a nice and welcoming way. In the room there was a bed and a desk and looking out of the windows, a beautiful garden was visible. 

Yeah, he couldn't deny that the place seemed to be nice and pretty. 

“We should eat and then I'll have to leave, otherwise I'll miss my flight.” Chris said and let the bag down, next to Victors bed. 

* * *

 

‘ _Please take care of yourself_ _’._

Those were the words Chris said before he left and hearing them from someone who was not family, or Yakov or Yuri, moved something inside Victor. He wasn't blind or stupid and he saw the honest worry in Chris' eyes. It hit a place in his heart that had been untouched for a long time. Still, Victor decided to lock himself up in his room and drink the beer that was left. 

That day had been too long and his head had been too clear for his own liking so he welcomed the dizziness the beer gave him, welcomed the fog that clouded all his rational thoughts, and eventually fell asleep. 

The next day he woke up around noon to the sunlight touching his face and disturbing his sleep. It felt like his skin was burning and he wondered who had raised the blinds. He turned around, smelled something unfamiliar and felt that the bed was not his. Did he went out again and one of his former colleagues took him to his place, once again? 

Victor already imagined the media going wild about another scandal. Though, after he opened his eyes and got used to the light, he found himself in a room that surely didn't exist in Russia.

First he felt confused and wondered if he was still dreaming but when he felt the sunlight on his bare back, and the little pain it caused, he remembered.

Yakov had sent him to Japan and Chris drove him here. He was in Japan, in Hasetsu, in an Inn that was named Yu-topia Katsuki and owned an onsen, a bathhouse to be more precisely. 

Right.

This was some kind of weird vacation or maybe some kind of plan Yakov came up with in order to bring back the old Victor.

Victor huffed to himself as his fingers ran through his hair. What was wrong with the way he lived now? He wasn't hurting anyone and he wasn't doing anything dangerous. No one had the right to tell him what he could do and what not, when only he knew what was good for him.

Right? 

Only, if Victor knew what was good for him, why did he feel so miserable the moment he woke up and became a bit sober?

He got up and, even if his body was thinner than usual, he still felt like he was going to fall, just like every morning. With time he got used to this feeling and after some seconds he was stable and walked around the bed to get his bag and use the bathroom. There was only one door left that didn't lead to the corridor so it was easy to guess where the bathroom was. 

Once inside he washed his face, brushed his teeth and took a closer look at his reflection. 

No spark in his eyes, dark rings under them and his hair a total mess. Everyone would have told him to do something. Maybe if he had the strength he would have done something, but he didn't see the point in changing anything. Perhaps it was better to keep his hair a bit longer so he could hide behind them, even if that brought back memories Victor couldn't deal with right now. 

Which was weird because he had already found closure with his past a long time ago. 

Annoyed with his brain working overtime again, he found an hair tie and tied his hair together, got dressed, and walked back into his room. He needed breakfast and perhaps a beer but he wasn't sure if they would serve any at that time of the day. Although, didn't they say that the customer was the most important person in an Inn? Even if they didn't, he still could buy some alcohol and sneak it into his room. 

Satisfied with his plan he took his bag and started to unpack his clothes and was surprised to see that his laptop was also inside there. He hadn't used that thing in a while because it held too many things inside, he couldn't delete nor watch. 

Videos, photos of his past, of the things he used to love and care about where there and he had filed away many of these things because they hurt him. That's why he never touched his laptop again – he even saved everything from his old phone there before he bought a new one. He had no idea what it would do to him to see all those things, but he wasn't ready to face that now and Victor had no idea if he ever would be. 

Feeling angry at himself, he left the laptop in his bag and shoved it under the bed before he busied himself with his clothes, putting them into the cupboard, which was huge. And usually he would have needed all that space. 

Then he remembered that Yaakov had said that the rest of his stuff would come during the week so having a lot of space was a good thing. But in the end he wore the same clothes for two or three days, then found something else to wear and once a week someone would come with his washed clothes and would take the dirty ones with them again. So he wouldn't need much.

He chuckled to himself when he tried to remember when was the last time he actually took care of his own laundry. Such a simple thing and he couldn't even do that anymore and he probably was one lucky idiot that no one ever yelled in his face what kind of failure he was, not even Yuri, who would have been the first one to do that. 

“Yuuri! Lunch is ready” Victor heard a woman calling just outside his room and raised his eyebrows in surprise. 

Yuri? Was Yuri here?

He walked closer to the window and watched the garden carefully, but he couldn't find Yuri. All he saw was a kid with black hair – judging by the two braids it was a girl - perhaps five or six years old, running on the grass and then stopping in the middle of it.

“Hurry up! I'm hungry!” The kid complained and then another person arrived. 

A young Japanese man with blue framed glasses and black hair, wearing sportswear in black and blue - just like Victor used to do, but in red and white. 

“Yes, yes.” The guy said and the way he smiled, the way his brown eyes were shining, made Victor's heart jump. 

He watched them both go until he couldn't see them anymore and then raised his hand to touch his chest. Yuuri? Did he know this guy? At least it felt like he did but perhaps...he forgot even about him?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think!


	3. Part 3

Part 3

 

Victor remained at the window for a bit longer, even if there was no one nor nothing interesting to watch in the garden. There were only two trees, flowers and the movement of the plants caused by the gentle wind that blew through the town and refreshed people, while the sun was shining down merciless.

His hand still rested over his heart – which had calmed down by now – but his mind was running wild.

He knew that he had forgot a lot of things - feelings and memories of things he did - but the idea that he might have forgotten a person who, apparently, was able to make his heart go wild with a simple smile, bothered him a lot.

He never forgot about Yakov or Chris or the other ice skaters, and that's why he was so shocked that he couldn't remember Yuuri.

Victor closed the curtains to hide from the sunlight and climbed back into his bed, becoming once again a victim of his own mind.

How was he supposed to stay there, face that guy and tell him that he couldn't remember him? After all he seemed to live there and, perhaps, that kid was his \- even though he looked a bit too young to be a father of a five or six year old child.

But maybe he really didn't know him and his heart was just reacting like that for the first time? And why would it do that? It had never reacted like that towards anyone he didn't know, and that's why he was more than sure that he had already met Yuuri.

Though, could he really trust himself with the state his mind was in and the way he treated people close to him?

No, he couldn't, that was for certain.

Annoyed with his mind, he looked back to the nightstand hoping to find some more alcohol, but he had nothing left to drown his thoughts in. The last thing he needed and wanted was to worry about something like that, because it wasn't like he was there by choice.

They sent him there and and he felt like they threw him into cold water. So he shouldn't worry in the first place, right?

Victor remained in his room until someone came and knocked on his door, calling his name – a woman judging by the voice - and he wasn't sure if he wanted to see anyone just yet. Though, staying in his room and doing nothing meant no food and nothing to drink so it was better to get over himself and just get the things he needed and, maybe, he wouldn't even meet this Yuuri guy.

Maybe he didn't live there. Maybe he was just a local person that knew the owners well enough that they ate lunch together.

“Yes, come in.” Victor said loud enough for the other person to hear.

A small woman with brown hair, round glasses and a motherly smile entered the room. In her hand she held a steaming bowl and the smell of something delicious reached his nose. Only then he noticed his growling stomach and how hungry he actually was. 

“Hello, I'm Hiroko Katsuki. My husband and I own this place. I hope you could get enough rest after the long flight.”

“I... I did, thank you.”

“That's good. I brought you something to eat. You must be hungry.” she smiled at him and left the tray, with the bowl on, on the small table in the middle of the room.

“Yes, thank you. I'm... Victor Nikiforov.” he said, only now realizing that he hadn't introduced himself yet.

“Nice to meet you, Nikiforov-San.”

Victor blinked confused until he recalled the Japanese etiquette. So he let it slide this time and left his bed to take a closer look inside the bowl: grilled rice, if he wasn't completely wrong.

“If you need anything you can find me down the corridor or you can just call for the room service.”

Victor nodded, remembering that near the entrance there was something similar to a bar and a reception as well. Although Chris mentioned that the family who owned the place also lived there, Victor doubted that she was talking about their private rooms. 

Not that he would ever go there. After everything, he still had manners.

After Hiroko left Victor sat down at the table and started to eat the fried rice. He hummed after the first taste and tried to remember the last time he ate something that delicious. It was also the first time in a long time that someone had actually cooked for him.

Homemade food was the best after all.

After lunch he took a nap and then called the room service to order some dinner and something to drink, obviously strong enough to make him sleep.

That was how Victor spent the next couple of days. Eating, sleeping, and drinking, with the air conditioner on because the days became hotter.

It wasn't much different from his life back in Russia, but that didn't really bother him. He wanted his freedom and he wanted to get away from spying cameras, annoying ex-coaches and memories that popped up whenever he walked through his apartment. Here something like that wasn't possible.

But something else had his attention instead.

But that guy never appeared again, which didn't stop Victor from sitting at the window and watch the garden, maybe hoping for something.

But why?

He had never been this interested in a person he literally knew nothing about. But he didn't care. Being interested in Yuuri meant he forgot about everything else, at least for the first week.

Until he started wondering if Yuuri would ever come back again.

It took him just four days to give up hope and drown all his thoughts in beers. His room became a mess, again, he lost the concept of time, again, and he realized all of that when he woke up to the sound of a child, laughing in the garden.

He had no idea where the interest and strength inside him came from but he left his bed and walked to the window, opening the curtain just a little bit. The sun shone brutally into his eyes and Victor needed a moment to get used to the light and heat before he could see anything. It was easy to find that kid, which was running after a butterfly on its own. No Yuuri or other adult was there tho, and Victor sighed. He felt ridiculous for his behavior and for this odd hope that had instantly grew inside him.

He abruptly closed the curtains again and made his way to the bathroom deciding to take a shower, go out to get some fresh air and, why not, get to know the place.

Maybe he would find a nice bar where he could spent his evenings at and get something else to drink that wasn't beer and sake – which didn't help him as much as a glass of vodka or whiskey would.

Because the hope and interest towards a person he might never see again, was bothering him and eating his strength. He just wanted to have an empty mind back.

After lunch, with a pair of sunglasses on and his hair tied, Victor made his way outside. Once he stepped outside, he groaned. The sun was unforgivable, shining down on him and reminding him that there was a life outside his cave. He breathed in and out and decided to simply walk and not think – though he made sure to remember his surroundings so he would find his way back later.

He walked for several hours, just walking and taking in everything that the small town had to offer.

There was a bridge that made it possible to walk over a river; the beach that was close and filled with people who enjoyed the water - and the seagulls flying in the sky, reminding him of his hometown. There was also a castle, named Hasetsu Castle – a supposed 'ninja residence'.

Usually he would have wanted to visit such a place and find out why they called it 'ninja residence'.

But this time he didn't.

Victor simply wanted to know this town, its marketplace, its nature and get a feeling of the place, to be sure that he could stay there without feeling too bad.

The sun was going down and the sky turning red and orange and Victor was on his way back to the Inn, when he found a bar. It was a small, old one and he was sure he would meet all the drunkards and old people from Hasetsu there.

That was why he decided to enter and just have a drink or two and see if that was a place that could become his new regular bar.

It had been no longer a possibility in Russia – since everyone knew him – but here people either didn't recognize him or were just more polite and respected his privacy. No one recognized him and no one seemed to mind him and the way he looked. Maybe it was true that foreigners had some kind of wild card and were only greeted by polite smiles.

Victor enjoyed his new anonymity status for the next weeks. He went to the bar every evening, returned home in the middle of the night, slept till noon, ordered lunch and then left to eat dinner somewhere – and try different kinds of Japanese food – before he would return to the bar and enjoy his drinks.

It didn't take too long until he made some 'friends' with whom he could talk about random things that had nothing to do with him at all. Conversations about the weather, about old stories from this town – and these old men had tons of those. Victor would laugh with them, listen and feel a weird kind of safety and false reality.

But he didn't care. This was his new home, these men were his new 'friends' because they let him be and didn't question him or his actions. After all, as long as he didn't do anything stupid or dangerous and found his way home every night, there was no problem at all, right?

At first it seemed to be the same life he used to live in Russia but he soon realized that it was not the case. Unlike in Russia, where he could drink whenever and whatever he wanted, he couldn't do it here. And several bottles of beer or sake, didn't have the same effect on him.

He started to dream again – or to remember his dreams – because his mind was too clear. He started to think again about all the things he had forgotten or thought he did. Victor tried so hard not to care at all about anything and he managed to do that through drinking every evening, until it became something he needed.

He laughed at himself, a small chuckle rather than a real laugh, when he realized what his life had become. That amusement turned into irritation and then into frustration since he didn't want to dream about anything from the past, because it brought a pain he couldn't handle.

How was that even possible that something he used to love and enjoy, turned into something so painful?

Luckily he would found something else that didn't hurt him or irritated him.

It was enough to walk through the town, go to the bar or think about Yuuri to make everything else go away. At first that was the case, until he started, again, to wonder why Yuuri seemed to be familiar to him and why, his mostly silent heart, had decided to make all the weird jumps.

Why did every thought that once didn't bother him at all or even made him feel good and happy, had now became something unpleasant?

Maybe it was better to go back to Russia? Or maybe he needed to go somewhere else, like a private island?

Victor chuckled to himself because it probably didn't matter where he went: he couldn't run away from his own mind.

Victor ate dinner, left his room and made his way to his new favorite bar. There he ordered drink after drink, sat together with the same old people, like he did almost every evening, and didn't leave before the familiar numbness returned. He laughed and smiled for no reason, considered everything he saw and heard as something amusing and only left when the bartender suggested it. Victor always listened to the bartender and left whenever they told him that it was perhaps enough for him. Luckily he never turned into an asshole when he was drunk, in fact, he was rather funny and developed the habit to undress himself – which was funny for other people, but could turn into an embarrassing situation for him.

Victor nodded with a stupid smile, tied his hair messily, buttoned up half of his shirt and said his goodbye to his 'friends' before he left.

Outside, his smile remained for a while before the fresh air hit him and he realized that his view was anything but clear. He felt dizzy and his feet moved on their own and, though Victor tried to walk like he wasn't drunk, he failed miserably.

Luckily this wasn't Russia so he didn't need to be afraid of some criminals or paparazzi.

But he still didn't want to sleep on the streets because he would regret that in the morning. No, he had always managed to reach his bed, alone or with someone helping him. But Yakov, nor anyone else he knew, was there to help him. He was on his own so he held himself up on a wall that, surprisingly, belonged to the Inn he was staying at. Somehow he had managed to get there, but then he felt sick and couldn't walk anymore.

He wondered if he could just sleep there and make a new experience, but his mind still told him that he would throw a bad light on the Inn and the people owning it – who had been so nice to him, not once judging his habits.

But he couldn't move.

All he could do was sit there, shirt half open and eyes no longer able to focus on anything. What time was it anyway? Would someone from the Inn find him and take him inside even though it was already so dark?

Victor chuckled to himself and pressed his hand against his eyes. Perhaps he deserved this. Even if, what did it matter? He had already given up, so it shouldn't bother him what could happen and what not.

“Come on. I'll take you home.” someone said and Victor wasn't sure if he imagined the voice.

Still, he looked up and saw a guy that looked a lot like Yuuri.

But that was probably just his imagination. A wishful thinking and some higher power trying to cheer him. Right?

Yeah, he thought, perhaps it was simply one of those things.

* * *

 

The next morning his head hurt badly when he woke up in his bed. But he was able to ignore the pain – it wasn't the first time – because he had something else to think about.

How did he get there?

He remembered that he went to the bar and got wasted but he didn't remember how he managed to go back to the Inn.

With a groan he buried his face into the pillow for a couple of seconds before he decided to get some water and use the bathroom. Then he looked around to make sure he hadn't destroyed anything or threw up somewhere and it confused him to see that everything was as it was before he left.

Victor climbed back into his bed – because standing on his own feet was impossible for now – and reached out for the half empty water bottle. He planned to empty that one, sleep for another hour and then get up for lunch and some more water, because his hangover was bad enough that he wouldn't need more alcohol to be able to sleep that night.

He managed to sleep for some more until a knock on his door disturbed his sleep. First he thought not to respond. But then he thought that maybe he had messed up something outside his room. Just because his room was fine, that didn't mean everything else was as well.

Maybe he threw up at the entrance or destroyed something at the reception? Better face it straightaway before his mind started to wonder once again.

“Yes?” he called looking towards the door.

The door opened but the person behind ~~It~~ was not the nice woman who brought him food every day nor the nice man who always asked him if he needed something.

It was Yuuri, who he had seen for the first, and last time, so many weeks ago.

“Hello... Victor.” Yuuri said. Just the sound of his voice was enough to get all of Victor’s attention. There was something in his voice, in the way he spoke and said his name, that made his heart beat even faster than it did when he had only looked at him through the window.

Or maybe it was just the alcohol.

“Are you feeling better?”

“I...am,” Victor said, even if he wasn't sure about it. His head still hurt though. “I'm sorry if I caused any kind of trouble.”

He said, watching Yuuri walk inside, holding a tray in his hands with a large bottle of water on,and a familiar bowl.

“No, it's fine. But... er... no never mind.” Yuuri said, setting down the tray on the table in the middle of the room.

Victor waited for him to say something but, in reality, it would have surprised him if Yuuri would have said something bad or something that could embarrass Victor.

Japanese people always tried to be polite, he knew that.

“Thanks for the food.” Victor said scratching his head. Suddenly the atmosphere became awkward for him when he remembered that he probably already knew Yuuri, but couldn't recall from where.

“You're welcome.” Yuuri said.

Silence filled the room as Victor sat on his bed and Yuuri just stared at him from the spot where he was sitting on the floor.

There was no doubt anymore that Yuuri knew Victor because Victor was more than familiar with the way Yuuri looked at him, although it had been a while since someone looked at him like that.

Eyes big, shining with admiration and disbelief that Victor Nikiforov was really there in front of him. But there was something else as well and Victor still hadn't gotten used to this look. Yakov gave him that look many times when Victor stopped caring about everything.

“What is it?” Victor asked with a fake smile to break the weird atmosphere. Whatever Yuuri wanted to say he could deal with it because it wasn't like he cared, right?

“Um... well... it's about last night.”

“Oh, so I did something? I'm sorry about that.” Victor shrugged.

“No... I mean... just know your limits. We really don't want any kind of trouble.”

“You mean, you don't want people to think about this place in a bad way?”

Yuuri said nothing and Victor guessed that it was exactly about that. After all it wouldn't have been the first time someone called him out on his behavior, remembering him that he would hurt others through that.

“No... it's not like that. I just don't want anything to happen to you.”

Victor chuckled because he didn't know how to react otherwise.

So Yuuri was worried about him? 

Why though?

It wasn't like they knew each other like he and Chris did. If that were the case Victor was sure he would remember Yuuri.

“Don't worry about an old man like me. You should be worried more about your own child instead.” Victor joked.

“My own child? I don't have children.” Yuuri said flustered and Victor watched how his cheeks turned red.

No child? Then the kid he had seen with Yuuri wasn't his? Somehow knowing that made a new feeling rise inside of Victor. But he wasn't sure what it was yet so he decided to ignored it.

“Anyway, I have to go now.” Yuuri said, standing up. “Take care.”

And then he was gone. 

 

* * *

 

The next day Victor's headache was gone and he found the strength to take a shower and decided to visit the restaurant again – there were still many meals he hadn't tried yet. He tried to focus on food but his mind wouldn't let him.

His thoughts went back to Yuuri and how he said that he was worried about Victor. Okay, he didn't say these exact words but it was easy to read between the lines. Victor wondered why he cared so much - if he actually did - or if he was just being nice towards him.

No, there was probably more to that because it was Yakov who arranged all of this and Victor was sure he knew Yuuri from somewhere. All he needed to do was ask Yuuri if that was the case and hurt him at the same time for not remembering him. He decided to put an end to this so his mind would finally shut up and leave him alone.

He left the bathroom, got dressed and wondered if the owners could tell him where he would find Yuuri. But Victor didn't need to look for him. He heard the voices of children from the garden, laughing and calling for their sensei. He walked to the window to see what was happening and watched a group of five kids tugging at Yuuri's hands and dragging him away from the garden.

So Yuuri was a teacher maybe? Victor wondered what he would be teaching there, so he decided to follow Yuuri and the kids.

He got ready and pushed every thought that might have stopped him from going aside.

Dressed in light clothes – because it was still summer and hot – he left his room and walked to the front door, making sure that neither Yuuri nor the kids noticed him. He kept enough distance so he could still see them while being incognito.

He watched how the kids held hands and followed Yuuri with huge smiles on their faces while talking about something Victor couldn't hear from where he was. But he could see that they were happy and enjoying themselves, just like Yuuri. He followed them over the bridge and then further, to a place he hadn't visited yet because it was a bit far from the Inn for his liking.

After they crossed the bridge and walked for another couple of minutes, they turned right and walked up the stairs to a huge building, a building that was familiar to Victor but hadn't seen in months. He stopped and felt like a cold shower was going down his spine, how his throat became dry and how he started to feel sick just looking at the sign.

Ice Castle, the ice-skating rink of Hasetsu.

Victor had no idea that something like that existed there. His breathing became quicker, the sick feeling grew and all Victor could do was run away from this place.

Far away from the ice-skating rink that brought back far too many memories he couldn't deal with right now. 

 

 

 


	4. Part 4

Part 4

 

He ran as fast as he could with only one aim in mind: his room, his bed. He just wanted to isolate himself from the rest of the world and not be confronted with anything or anyone.

But the moment he entered his room and fell into his bed, Victor realized how stupid that idea actually was.

How was he supposed to escape from his mind?

He couldn't.

And what made it all worse was the way his body was still trembling from the running.

No more than a year ago a little run wouldn't have bothered him at all and would've never shook him up as much as it had minutes before. Back then he was used to practice every day, to make one difficult jump after the other and skate for hours to always improve.

Memory after memory returned and he didn't know how to stop the pictures in his head.

A drink, he thought, he needed a drink.

But he didn't want to leave his bed and face the world. It simply hurt to move, and the thought of  see faces, hear voices and feel the sun on his skin, was overwhelming. However, somehow, he found the strength to call for the room service and when the sake and beer arrived he used the remaining strength to try and drown all his thoughts.

The alcohol did not help him this time.

And, even though he drank every evening for the next couple of days, it didn't help him to forget, or at least pause the river of thoughts.

Even in his sleep he was dreaming of his past.

Like the time when he was a kid and had entered the ice rink for the first time; or when he was a teenager and had already climbed to the top fast and steady. And the time when he was a grown up and still able to perform putting in the performance new emotions, because he made new experiences.

And then he dreamed about Makkachin and that was what broke him, woke him, and made him cry for the first time in a long time.

He didn't quite understand why.

There was no reason to cry. He didn't care, right? Why was he crying then?

After his tears stopped he went into the bathroom and leaned against the sink before he looked into the mirror and a gasp fell from his lips.

He saw his face every day... or at least he thought he did. But looking at his reflection, he realized how wrong he had been all along. His hair were long but a mess, his eyes were blue but empty and his skin looked horrible. He didn't even want to think about all the shadows that made him look like a ghost.

He was irritated with himself and looked for a pair of scissors, finding one in one of the many drawers under the sink.

That moment brought a memory back that Victor didn't like even before his life became the mess it was now: The time when he had to cut his long hair and say goodbye to a part of him he didn't want to let go, but had to.

Back then he had cried and cried for days, not ready to change and not wanting to.

Today he believed that maybe it would attract a miracle, so he started to cut his hair like they used to be a year ago.

Somehow he managed to do a decent job and when he looked at his reflection again, the change wasn't big, but it was there.

Though, what did it matter how he looked like? What would it matter to notice all of that and realize what a failure he had become?

It wasn't like he wanted to change his life or himself. No, it was more like he didn't have the strength to do so and he didn't even know how to do it or where to start.

Where was all of this coming from in the first place?

Annoyed with himself he left the bathroom again, holding his head with his hands.

What was wrong with him and why was he suddenly start to think about changing his life?

And for what? So he would fail again?

Victor shook his head and for one moment a noise from the outside distracted him and calmed him down. He opened the curtains of the window and saw that it was raining.

Victor used to like rain. And who would have thought how much he had needed to see and hear the rain. It was a gentle one, falling from the sky and cooling down the surface of the town and Victor wanted the same.

He changed into some fresh clothes, took an umbrella from the entrance and decided to visit the beach.

On his way over his mind had mercy with him. All his body did was enjoy the sound of the rain and the feeling of the vibrations coming from the umbrella.

When he reached the beach and heard the waves and  ~~ to ~~ the raindrops falling on the leaves of the trees, Victor finally calmed down and sat down on a bench. It was wet but not cold and he took the umbrella down to feel the rain on his skin, in his hair and soaking into his clothes.

It was like the rain was cleansing him and helping him to sort out all the chaos present in his mind and soul. So he closed his eyes and let the rain fall down on him.

Victor didn't know how long he stayed there but when he felt that the rain had stopped falling on him, he opened his eyes and felt confused because he could still hear it falling.

His eyes didn't see a tree or the gray sky, though. They saw a blue umbrella and when he looked to his right he saw Yuuri, bowing down a bit so he could hold his umbrella over both of them.

“Hey... you'll catch a cold if you keep on sitting here and get soaked.” Yuuri said.

Victor looked down at himself – while his heart made the weird jumps again - and realized how soaked he actually was but also how little he cared about that. The rain felt good and it helped him to calm down and clean his mind.

“I'll go back soon. Don't worry.” he said with a shrug.

“You... cut your hair.” Yuuri pointed out and Victor saw the surprise on his face and something shining in his eyes.

Wasn't that the spark of hope he used to see whenever he met young ice skaters, dreaming of a bright future?

“Yes... I'm no pro but I hope it looks decent.” Victor admitted and touched his hair as to make sure it was alright.

“It looks fine, don't worry.” Yuuri reassured him with a smile as he stood straight again. “I have to go back home now, so... if you want to we can go back together?”

Victor was a bit confused as in ~~~~ why they should walk back together. Was Yuuri worried that he would go out and drink without knowing his limit again? Or was he really talking about going home together because he lived there as well?

Curious, Victor agreed to go with Yuuri.

They both stayed silent and Victor used the time alone with Yuuri to take a better look at him and maybe remember where he knew Yuuri from. But there wasn't anything unusual about him, he just looked like any other guy. He reasoned that only by the looks it would be hard to tell so he decided to talk instead and get to know him a bit.

Maybe that would ring the bell.

“By home do you meant the Inn?”

“Uh... yeah. I mean my parents own the place and we also live there. And even though I have my own place, I still visit them.” Yuuri explained.

Victor understood now that Hiroko and Toshiya were Yuuri's parents. Which made sense because Yuuri seemed to have the same kind and soothing personality that his mother had, or at least it seemed like that. But Victor obviously could have been wrong since he didn't really talk to anyone since he came here, even less with Yuuri.

“You're a teacher, right?” Victor asked.

“Kind of, I guess. I'm teaching kids how to ice skate. I started doing that four months ago.” Yuuri said and looked at Victor, again with that strange sparkle of hope in his eyes.

Victor didn't mention the fact the he had noticed the hopeful because the words 'skate' and 'ice' brought back the feelings and thoughts that the rain had helped him placate.

So Yuuri was an ice skater?

It made sense to him and it would also explain why he knew Yuuri since he met many skaters in his career. And maybe he only knew Yuuri by name and met him once, but it had been a rather brief encounter and that's why he couldn't remember.

“I guess... since you're familiar with ice skating you also know me.” Victor didn't formulate that as a question because he was sure of it.

Before all ice skaters knew him for being the 'living legend' and now they all probably knew him as 'the drunken legend' – or something like that.

Yuuri nodded without a word and seeing his face and how he was trying to hide his own sadness and his own pain, Victor wondered if Yakov and Yuri had ever looked at him in the same way. It was absurd how much he was observing for the first time today and how little attention he has paid during the past year.

But maybe Yuuri's sad expression had nothing to do with him? Though it made little sense because Yuuri did imply that he cared about Victor the other day.

“Are you a professional ice skater? Like do you participate in competitions?” Victor asked even though it felt weird to talk about that after such a long time of avoiding that particular topic.

“I used to be, yes. But I decided to not compete anymore.”

“Really? Why did you stop though?”

Yuuri said nothing at first and gave Victor a rather confused look before he nodded to himself and said: “It was my goal to win gold at the Grand Prix and I won last year so I decided to take a break for now.”

Gold? Yuuri won gold and Victor didn't know that?

Yeah, of course he didn't know that. He hadn't watched nor read anything about that world in the past year.

He didn't know who won silver and bronze, he didn't know if there were new skaters or if his friends improved. It was such a shock to realize all of that, that Victor stopped walking and stared down at his feet.

He used to care about someone trying to brake his records, or if someone created a new jump. And he would feel pissed about that but at the same time he would be happy for that person for becoming one of the best because he knew the hard work that was behind ice skating. It used to be something that motivated him and one source of his joy. But now it was just a confusing, even frightening thing to recall.

“Wow...” he said a bit breathless, trying to smile and hide how he truly felt. “Congratulations.”

“Yeah... thank you.” Yuuri said, not looking Victor in the eyes.

It was almost like he didn't care about his own achievement. 

 

* * *

 

It rained for the next couple of days and Victor didn't leave his room but decided to spend some more time with Yuuri's parents. He ate his breakfast in his room, ate lunch with the other customers in the common dining room and listened to what they were talking about.

Whenever Yuuri came over the people greeted him with huge, proud smiles and asked him how he was doing. Victor didn't interfere or joined them, he was simply listening and whenever one of them seemed to recognize him – after all Yuuri won gold and they probably knew enough about ice skating to recognize him – they were polite enough to simply smile and greet him but no one approached him and asked questions.

In the evening though he returned into his room, drank some sake and went to sleep. But he didn't get wasted since alcohol wasn't helping him anymore.

The only thing that was helping him was what he found out about Yuuri. That occupied his mind for most of the time.

It would have been easy to just take his phone or laptop and use the internet to get more information about the past year events. But he wasn't ready to read whatever gossip or bad news about him was circulating \- or what others thought about him. And there was no doubt in his mind he would stumble over something like that.

He was sure it would throw him back ten times and Victor was scared of that. He understood now that the night he got wasted so bad that he couldn't reach the Inn on his own, had been dangerous. He understood that running away had been stupid because everything was now coming back and trying to break him more and more. The thought of all the things he was managing to understand brought the tears back into his eyes.

The rain stopped eventually and Victor woke up to the sound of children laughing, to the sound of Yuuri laughing and them calling him sensei. It was a noise that somehow calmed him down and filled his body with a warmth he hadn't felt in a while. A seeping warmth that spread slowly from his heart to the tips of his toes and the tips of his fingers.

He left his bed and opened the curtains to welcome the sun and watch Yuuri and five kids in the garden, eating watermelons. Next to them were their tiny ice skates waiting to be picked up. Victor stared at the blades for a long time because he hadn't seen any in what felt like in forever.

The first time he had put those on and entered the ice rink, had been one of the most exciting moments in his life. With those on his feet he was basically able to fly. That feeling was what he loved the most about ice skating, the feeling of the wind, like he was flying somewhere far away. And many times had Victor wished to fly away, even when he was successful.

The laugh of Yuuri and the children snapped him out of his thoughts and brought his eyes back to the group of smiling faces. Their smiles were so honest and so warm and he touched his own lips with his fingers, wondering if he could smile like that. He had smiled a lot for the cameras, for the fans and in situations that weren't even funny. There were thousands of pictures and videos of him smiling but those with the real smile became less and less in time and eventually his smile got lost entirely.

What did it feel like to smile from his heart, he wondered. He couldn't remember the feeling ~~it~~ but Victor knew that it had been a good one and he wanted to have it back.

His fingers moved away from his lips as he saw one of the kids standing up and trying to make an ice skater ~~s~~ figure, lifting one leg straight behind, bending forward, arms outstretched. The young boy fell and made everyone laugh while he laughed himself. Kids were so fearless, so brave to try without thinking and he couldn't help but smile a bit too – which hurt a bit. Victor wanted the mind  of a kid because then – maybe – it would be easier for him to handle everything.

Maybe then it would be easier to start living again? Because when he turned around and looked around his room he finally understood that this was not living.

Drinking, sleeping, isolating himself from everything and waiting for... what? What was he waiting for? What did he want and what did he need to live?

Love and adventure, Victor suddenly remembered.

Wasn't that what he originally wanted to find and do and that's why he took a break from ice skating? Yes, he remembered that that were his goals right from the beginning.

Look how that worked out, though.

“Okay guy, let's get ready!” Yuuri said and Victor looked back to them, watching them leave the garden and slowly the silence returned.

No, that was not what he wanted. So he quickly used the bathroom, got dressed and followed them once again.

It was obvious where they were going and though Victor felt the fear and panic rising inside him, the closer they got to the local ice-skating rink 'Ice Castle’, he didn't stop. He could feel ~~it~~ in his bones and  in his legs the need to run away and how much weaker they became the closer he got there, but he forced himself to keep on walking. Yet, when he stood in front of the building and watched Yuuri and the kids disappear inside, he didn't enter. Victor just stood there for a long time and stared at the building and then went back to the Inn when he felt exhausted, and went straight to bed.

It was the first time he was able to sleep without any alcohol, and regretted it the next morning. Just like his mind wasn't used to thinking, his body wasn't used to have no alcohol at all in its system. He ached after just one day which was... kind of alarming and, though he thought about keep going on, not drinking, he didn't manage it. When lunch arrived he ordered a beer and then another one so his body would stop shaking and feeling so weird.

He kept following Yuuri and, after two weeks, he visited the building on his own trying to get closer to it.

First he stood at the stairs but with each passing day he managed to take one step after the other until he stood in front of the entrance but still wasn't able to move any further. Whenever he tried his legs would stop, his hands would sweat and his stomach would make a weird twist that made him feel like he was going to throw up.

Still, Victor tried every day and one day he wasn't there standing alone. Usually he avoided to be seen by Yuuri or anyone else, standing there like some weird idiot. But that day at the end of August. Yuuri left the building later than usual, alone.

“Yuuri... hey.” Victor said with a smile.

Yuuri smiled and nodded before he closed the door and locked it.

Did he know, Victor wondered, that he came here every day without entering? Had he been seen even though he had tried to be basically invisible? What should he tell Yuuri?

“Are you going to the bar?” Yuuri asked.

“Uh... no. I was just... taking a walk.” Victor explained and it wasn't really a lie. “I'm not... going there anymore because I don't want to... cause any more trouble.”

Yuuri nodded again and they stood like that for a while, facing each other while the sun was going down and the sound of the waves could be heard even there. The sound was calming down Victor, preventing him from thinking about his behavior since he had arrived in Japan and the troubles he had caused.

“If that's the case do you want to... come with me? I haven't had dinner yet.” Yuuri suggested and there was a bit of nervousness in his voice which reached right into Victor's heart and made it jump again, pumping the warm feeling through his body.

Maybe that would finally be the moment when he would find out why he felt that way whenever he saw Yuuri and, maybe, this would also be the moment where he could start to fix everything. Starting with telling Yuuri the truth about not remember him along with many other things from the past.

“That sounds good.” Victor agreed smiling, and that was probably the first real smile in a long time. It wasn't big and it wasn't bright, it was small but it was something. And he believed that his smile was responsible for Yuuri to brighten up a bit and not look like he was... hurting.

Yes, Yuuri had been hurting, Victor realized as he followed him to his apartment - which wasn't that far away from the Inn. Perhaps because his clouded view on the people and everything else around him was gone and he was finally able to see how people really looked at him.

Or maybe it was Yuuri himself who seemed to be so honest with how he felt and never tried to hide it.

Was he also a victim of the media like Victor? He had been taught to hide how he truly felt and always plaster a smile on his face, no matter the circumstances. Because no one wanted to see if he was sad or in a bad mood.

He wished he could remember because he felt worse the more he thought about forgetting about Yuuri.

What else did he forget? Was there another person that he hurt by forgetting them? Yes, he knew that he hurt Yakov with his indifference and probably Yuri as well who – even if he never admitted that – also looked up to Victor, just like many others did. Perhaps Yuuri was also someone who used to look up to Victor and got hurt because of what he did to himself and what his life had become?

Victor sighed and followed Yuuri inside his apartment, which reminded him a lot of the Inn. The atmosphere was the same even though it was more modern. They took their shoes off and walked through the small corridor to the living room with an open kitchen.

“I'm not really good at cooking... er... still learning. But my mom brought something today. I'll just heat it up... if that's okay with you.” Yuuri stammered nervously and when he walked into the kitchen he accidentally knocked against something, catching it before it would hit the ground.

“That's fine.” Victor said with a chuckle.

“Great... good. You can make yourself comfortable over there.” Yuuri nodded and pointed to the table and the cushions where they could sit on. Victor did what Yuuri said and walked to the table and sat down on a green cushions while looking around. 

There was nothing special about the apartment really, but it had a personal touch and there was the warmth that he felt in the Inn as well. There was a TV, books and manga sorted in a shelf, framed pictures of Yuuri and his family – he apparently had a sister – and of his friends. There was even one with the Russian Yuri that caught Victor's attention because he couldn't remember when the could have happened. There was also a picture of Yuuri, Chris and Phichit, but even that one wasn't familiar. 

He was certain that those photographs had been taken last year during the competition, probably during the finals.

“You're friends with Chris and Yuri?” Victor asked, still looking at the photograph.

“Yeah, we got... close during last years competitions.” Yuuri answered.

Victor hummed to acknowledge Yuuri answer, while thinking about he had end up there. It was Yakov who had organized everything and Yuri had obviously been involved. Maybe they believed – since Japan so different from Russia – that coming here would help him to get his life back under control or something like that.

They weren't that wrong after all because the people in Japan, or everything really, was different from home. No media hunting him, no apartment that was just as empty as Victor felt inside and nothing that was connected to his past.

Though, knew Yuuri about that? Was he part of their plan? Chris was involved so... it wouldn't be surprising if that meant the same for Yuuri, right?

Victor looked back to the kitchen and watched Yuuri's back. Thinking about that, he wasn't angry or feeling like they were trying to manipulate or trick him. Instead he felt bad because he basically needed and army to help him to get himself back under control. He was a grown up, he was 28 years old and supposed to take care of himself and it made him feel awful that he couldn't manage  that.

Could he really excuse his behavior blaming his lost inspiration and Makkachin death?

It sounded like some lame excuse because he hadn't been the first loss of his life and inspiration hadn't always been constant throughout his life. He decided to give up on everything so he could only blame himself?

Victor bit his lower lip and felt how his head started to hurt as his mind was running wild again.

“Victor?” Yuuri's voice was like a gentle knife, cutting through the confusing thoughts, helping Victor to focus on the present. “Dinner is ready.” Yuuri said while Victor looked up to him and took the bowl off Yuuri's hands who handed him the chopsticks and sat down at the one end of the table to Victor's right side.

“What's that? It smells and looks delicious,” Victor asked as he looked down at what looked like breaded pork (?) chop, scrambled eggs and rice.

“It's katsudon.” Yuuri said with a happy smile. “It's my favorite and mom made some for me because all I've been doing is working and sleeping and not eating properly.”

Victor reached out for the chopsticks, said the – by now – familiar itadakimasu and tried the pork first. It was the best thing he had ever tasted in his entire life and he didn't think much about it but simply enjoyed the food, letting Yuuri know how delicious it was. This wasn't just Yuuri's first real meal in days, it was the same for Victor because he had forgotten how good food could actually taste when you ate it with someone else and not just to fill your stomach so it wouldn't get upset when you drank. 

They ate their meal with a smile on their faces and in a content silence. Each bite tasted like heaven and it felt like he would never get full, but when Victor reached the bottom of the bowl he felt that he couldn't eat more of that, although he wanted to. Even the feeling of a full stomach was like something new to him, but it was an amazing feeling nevertheless.

“I'm glad you liked it. Uh... do you want some tea? I don't have any... alcohol here.” Yuuri asked and the end of his sentence was filled with an insecure undertone in his voice. Alcohol, right. That was what Victor usually drank and usually needed. It had become a part of him, right? Did people associate Victor and alcohol now, instead of Victor and ice skating?

“Tea sounds good.” Victor said, trying to push those thoughts aside. It was his own fault if people thought that so he shouldn't pity himself.

It didn't take long for Yuuri to return with two steaming cups and a small sugar bowl.

“I have to ask you something.” Victor began after Yuuri sat down.

“Okay?”

“Did you and Yakov plan all of this together? With Yuri and Chris? Me coming here to Japan?”

There was a moment that probably only lasted for a second or two but felt so much longer. The moment when Yuuri stopped what he was doing and simply stared at Victor through his glasses, as if he wasn't sure if he could tell him the truth or not. Within those seconds his eyes really looked at him, into his eyes and tried to read him. Usually it would have made Victor look away or shake that look off with a smile or a joke because he didn't want people to see what he was thinking or feeling. This time though he didn't, and let Yuuri see that he wasn't upset or hurt but simply wanted to know what the truth was.

  
“You... could say that. But we didn't do it because we think you need a babysitter or anything. We're just... worried and thought that... it would help you to get away from... uhm...”

“No, I understand.” Victor said and looked down into his cup, at his own reflection on the surface of the green tea. “I'm not angry or anything. I actually feel guilty that you guys needed to kick my ass just because I'm too pathetic to take care of myself.”

“You're not pathetic.” Yuuri interrupted him placing his hand on Victor's but immediately taking it back, as if he had burned himself. But that little touch was enough to ignite a sparkle inside Victor that heated up his cheeks but didn't turn them red enough to be noticed by Yuuri – well Yuuri was blushing furiously himself, which looked just adorable, so he probably didn't notice in the first place. 

“I... I mean. We all make mistakes and have difficult times that aren't easy to handle. It could have happened to any of us so... I don't think you're pathetic.”

All these new sides of Yuuri were interesting but also refreshing for Victor. He figured he liked how honest Yuuri actually was about his feelings and that he didn't try to hide them – or perhaps didn't know how to or didn't see the point in doing so. 

Honesty was the most important thing in, that was what Victor believed. But he couldn't bring himself to follow his beliefs though. 

“Thank you, but for me it's true. The way I behaved and still do is just... pathetic. I mean, I can't even remember a lot of things from the past years, not to mention how I... try to run away from basically everything.” Victor admitted ,which wasn't easy. Deep down he always knew that he was simply running away from everything and everyone and isolating himself with a bottle to drown his thoughts in. He just had never been ready to admit that to himself because it was simply too hard to do so. 

“But... you changed and you... you try, Victor. I see it...” Yuuri said and then he realized probably how it sounded like and added flustered. “ I mean... I'm not stalking you but I... I can see it.”

“You really think so?” Victor asked with a tired smile, resting his head on the table. Why did it make him feel so peaceful and even a bit happy to hear that? And why did it made his heart feel a bit warmer than usual? 

“I do... really. I understand that... it's probably not easy, but you try and I... I'd like to help you... if you need any kind of help.” Yuuri said.

“Help me? How though?”

Victor watched Yuuri who looked like he knew a way to help Victor, but he wasn't sure if he could say it. Whatever it was, Yuuri couldn't hurt him or shock him anymore. Victor had done that himself already. 

“I want you to walk inside the ice-skating rink and watch the kids and me practice.” Yuuri explained.

And suddenly Victor's smile was gone. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd would be great if you leave a comment :) it keeps us writers motivated and we like to know what you think so our content can become better! Thank you for reading!


	5. Part 5

Part 5

 

Victor tried to imagine doing what Yuuri asked him to do, but the idea alone made it hard to breath. The fact that there was a time when he literally refused to leave the ice and loved it more than anything seemed more like an old dream he once had. Because you could do anything in your dreams, even skating on the ice like a professional having zero experience. This, however, was not a dream and Victor thought about Yuuri's words long and hard until he realized that he was, once again, just searching for an excuse so he could run away from his past.

Would he be able to skate though? Could he still do it like as if it was something natural, like breathing and blinking? Victor tried to imagine it, but he could only see himself falling and falling again on the cold hard ice, that used to be his home.

Yet, no matter how sweaty his hands had become and no matter how cold and sick he felt from the idea alone, he nodded looking back into Yuuri's eyes.

“Okay.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“No. But I don't want to think too much about it because then I probably won't do it.” Victor admitted and seeing Yuuri smile and relieved was, suddenly, far more important than his fears and worries.

Victor went home alone and while he walked to the Inn, he didn't think much. Through the whole way back all his mind recalled was the relieved smile that Yuuri gave him and it was also that what helped him to fall asleep without drinking anything that night.

The next day Victor woke up early. During the night he dreamed about ice skating, about himself standing on the ice all alone, with no one watching him. In that dream Victor wasn't scared or insecure, but he still failed. He fell while skating, as if someone had broke the ice under him, and when he tried to jump he didn't manage to or fell on the ground and the ice broke more. Yet he tried and tried and at some point the ground under him broke entirely and he fell into a deep darkness but, before he could hit the ground - which didn't seem to exist because he kept on falling - he woke up and clutched his pillow as if his life depended on it.

Victor closed his eyes again and focused on his breathing for a while before he turned around on his back and stared at the ceiling. Did this dream have a special meaning? Was it a warning that he shouldn't go today and just wait a bit longer? Or was this his mind trying to drag him back into the dark place he just recently found a way out of?

He really didn't want to go back there because that was not a life worthliving. There was only chaos, as if it was a one way street to self-destruction. He had been in that situation for over a year and he wasn't in Japan for nothing. In this strange land with all these strangers he managed to find a way out of the darkness.

And it was worth a try, right?

Leaving his bed he felt how weak his legs were and how his body was rebelling because he hadn't had a drink last night. It took a lot of strength to stand straight and to move, but he somehow managed becausehehad a new motivation to do that: the smile Yuuri showed him yesterday. He wanted to see that genuine, happy smile on his lips as often as possible. He didn't really know why, but that was okay.

One day it probably would make sense.

He took a shower and got dressed before he left his room to eat breakfast before going to the ice-skating rink to visit Yuuri and the kids. Inside the dining room was Yuuri's mother who stood behind the bar and served the dishes to the customers. The surprise in her eyes when he noticed Victor was clear as day but her smile was not less gentle and welcoming. Victor smiled back and he felt the need to apologize to her and thank her for all the things she did for him and for never forcing him into anything. If there would have been an award for worst costumer, Victor was sure he would have deserved it, two months in a row.

“You look good, Nikiforov-San.” she said. “Are you here to eat breakfast with the others?”

  
“Yes. And please... just call me Victor” he suggested – which he had wanted to do a while ago but never cared enough to say it out loud.

That made Hiroko smile and Victor felt much better because he could make people smile just like he used to in the past.

“If that's the case then I'm going to call you Vicchan.” she said with a cute laugh.

Proud of himself he ate his breakfast and then left the Inn to make his way to the Ice Castle where Yuuri and his students were practicing. It was the last day of summer vacation - Yuuri told him yesterday - so from the dayafter on the kids wouldn't attend his lessons everyday but only three times a week, right after school.

Perhaps that was a good thing because Victor doubted that he was ready to go there every single day, and the closer he got to the hall the more certain he was about that. His hands became sweaty again and his legs felt heavy, as if they were trying to stop Victor from going any further. It was ridiculous how long he took to arrive, until he finally stood in front of the entrance, exhausted, scared even.

He looked at his reflection, how pale his skin was and how the dark circles under his eyes seemed to grow bigger and bigger. Rationally he knew that it was just his imagination, so he snapped out of it when he saw Yuuri and four children walking towards him. They held lunch boxes in their hands and only then Victor realized how long it actually took to eventually get here.

With one step to the left he made room for the group and tried to smile when Yuuri and the kids noticed him.

“You came.” Yuuri said surprised. Of course, it was logical for Yuuri to doubt Victor's words and it was his job to prove Yuuri that he meant what he promised.

“Yeah... I did.” he said breathless and then looked down to the kids. One girl was clutching Yuuri's hand while the others stood around him and their huge, dark eyes watched him closely.

“Guys, this is a friend of mine.” Yuuri said. “His name is Victor and he'll watch us practicing from now on.”

The kids looked back at Yuuri while he spoke and it took them a couple of seconds to break the silence. Suddenly one boy said bravely. “I learned a new jump, you want to see it?”

“Yeah, sure.” Victor said, trying to calm down. Kids could feel it when someone was upset since their senses weren't corrupted by experience and age so he needed to be careful not to upset them.

“We're going to eat lunch and then head back inside.” Yuuri informed him while the kids ran to the benches that were placed next to the building, under a tree.

“I don't have anything with me.” Victor said,realizingjust there how hungry he actually was. And yes, it took him a really long to get there if it was already lunch time.

“We can share mine, it's okay.” Yuuri smiled and Victor nodded slowly while he followed them.

They sat around the table and it was fun to watch the kids eating with their small chopsticks, still having troubles with them. But no matter how much they huffed, they tried harder until it worked and then smiled happily. Victor was so busy with watching them, that Yuuri needed to point at his bento so Victor would finally eat something.

“Are you on a diet Sensei?” one of the boys asked.

He was the bold one, not afraid to say what he thought or what he could do and proud of the things he learned. When Victor was younger he wasn't much different. Every jump he nailed, every time he managed to perform a certain move, filled him with the same emotions that he hadn't been afraid to show to his parents and Yakov.

“W... what? Why do you think that?” Yuuri stuttered and his cheeks became red.

“Because Sensei gains weight easily. Minako-sensei said that.” one of the girls said.

Yuuri blushed even harder and it was endearing to see him like that. The kids though giggled while watching their teacher struggling with words.

“It's not nice to gossip about other people.” Yuuri said and that made the kids giggle even harder. “I'm just sharing my lunch with Victor because he forgot his bento.”

“Are you going to be our sensei too?” a girl asked, her mouth covered with bits of rice.

“Uhm...” Victor started but got interrupted by the bold boy.

“Can you even skate though?”

“I guess.” was all Victor could come up with consideringhow nervous he was. Don't think about that, he repeated it in his head.

“Okay guys, finish up and then we head back, alright?” Yuuri jumped in and it was like he worked some kind of magic because the kids agreed in unison and were instantly totally engulfed with finishing their lunch. After that they cleaned up and walked back to the entrance.

“Sensei gains weight easily, huh?” Victor joked when it was just him and Yuuri, hoping he would succeed in sounding like he wasn't trying to insult Yuuri but more like he simply was curious. For an ice skater this was a huge disadvantage and required to work even harder. But more than that, he needed to distract himself because when they arrived at the door his body started to feel weird again.

“Yeah, after a competition I take some time off and simply gain weight. But I'm also good at losing it so it's fine I guess.” Yuuri admitted and walked inside while Victor hesitated. His view became dark, blurry and he wanted to reach out for something to held himself up because he felt like he would fall any second. He didn't hear what Yuuri said but he felt a hand, a small hand, taking his and helping him find his way back to reality.

“Are you coming?” it was, once again, the bold boy who looked at Victor determined and as if he knew that he was struggling.

  
“Ye... yeah,” he choked out, still holding the small hand. Kids were strong, stronger than Victor knew, and he wanted to be just as strong.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked while they walked through the building to the changing room, which immediately filled with loud chatter and laughter.

“Yeah... I'm trying.” Victor said though he didn't know for how long he could stay there.

The room was almost too much because it reminded him of the times when he was changing, feeling excited to enter the ice and learn more and more. As a kid he dressed up faster than anyone else so he could be the first one of the ice and feel the coldness and wind on his skin. Today though he was scared that this coldness could hurt him.

However, he didn't run away and followed them into the hall as the last one. The fact that Yuuri looked back to him to make sure he was still there and doing fine, didn't go unnoticed by Victor. It actually made him feel better to know that, whatever happened, Yuuri was there.

The moment he entered the hall was like entering a new strange world. One that was so bright and so cold that it hurt his eyes and skin. The air, fresh, cold and merciless, filled his lungs and somehow cleared his head for a second. But then he heard the laughter, heard Yuuri reminding the kids to be careful and he looked back at them, at how the kids gathered together on the ice, ready to take off.

“Warm up and be careful!” Yuuri called to the kids who all gave him a thumbs up, while they were running and warming up.

Victor stood there and watched them, not moving at all but keeping enough distance between him and the rink walls. He feared that if he got too close to the ice the ground would break under him and swallow him into eternal darkness, just like in his nightmare. But there was Yuuri, without his glasses on – when did he took them off? - and was watching him carefully.

They didn't say a word, their eyes probably said enough and though Victor didn't like it when people tried to read him, for some reason he let Yuuri see it all, again. All the confusion, all the fear, the chaos that happened inside him and how his body refused to listen. Then Yuuri smiled and held his hand out as if he knew that Victor needed someone, something to give him the balance, the stability so the feeling of falling and breaking wouldn't consume him entirely.

Holding his breath he reached out for Yuuri's gloved hand and walked closer until his hands held the edge of the rink walls and he could look down and see the ice that used to be his home.

It was right there, so clear, so close and yet so frightening.

“You think you'll be fine on your own for an hour?” Yuuri asked, his hand still resting on Victor's.

“Yes... yeah. I can do that.”

Yuuri squeezed Victor's hand for one last time and then he took off to gather the kids together and start practicing. Victor watched them during the whole hour and never let go of the rink wall nor did he move. At the same time he tried to be as natural and as positive as possible so the kids wouldn't notice the battle he was having inside himself. He didn't want them to be scared or to have less fun just because of him. Those kids should love the ice just like he used to because it was a love that helped him to get through many hardships. A love every athlet knew and cherished with his whole being. And now and then Yuuri would look his way and Victor simply nodded whenever Yuuri's eyes found his.

Then the hour was over and, when the kids came back to him, he praised them for their hard work and smiled. They thanked him and made their way to the changing room, with red cheeks, shining eyes and their hair a mess. Yuuri stopped and asked: “You're going with us?”

“No.” Victor said, swallowing down the weird feeling building inside his throat. “I'll wait here until everyone is gone.”

“Okay... I'll be right back,” Yuuri said and then it was just Victor and the ice rink.

Silence filled the hall but in his ears the echo of the sound the blades made on the ice didn't disappear. It was getting louder and louder and his feet started to shake. Would he ever feel the ice under his feet again? If not, what was he going to do?

He had money, he had enough money but he couldn't do nothing for the rest of his life and ice skating was the only thing he could do. Victor remembered that he wanted to become a coach after retiring. He wanted to teach others, just like Yuuri, and help them achieve their dreams. But what coach feared the ice? Who wanted to be taught by someone who preferred to drink and ruin his life?

Victor gripped the rink walls edge harder and looked to his right where the entrance to the ice rink was and he counted the steps he needed to get there. Seven steps held him away from entering the world that he loved so much and that he understood so well. Seven steps and he could become 'the living legend' again and show the world that he was still there, alive and strong.

In his head he thought all of that but reality taught him something completely different.

The thought of having no future, no meaningful existence, scared him so much that his body lost all its strength and the painful cold wrapped its invisible arms around him and forced him down on the ground. His back leaned against the cold rink walls, his legs were outstretched and his eyes filled with tears while staring at his hands. His thin, pale hands that used to be so strong and that had helped him up so many times when he fell.

Today they didn't.

Today everything from the past year crashed down on him and made him understand completelyand all at once what he had done to himself and to others.

He thought of Yakov who must have been angry, sad and hurt because of Victor's behavior. He thought of Makkachin who had always been there for him and cheered him up no matter what and Victor knew that he would be mad at him for what he did. He thought about his friends, his family, the people who looked up to him and then, eventually, about his own cowardly behavior. He was not the only one struggling, not the only one who had lost someone dear to him, but he was one of the few people who decided to give up and disappoint everyone, especially himself.

It hurt so bad and it scared him so much that maybe everything was lost. So he cried, he cried in an ugly way but quietly, not knowing if he would ever stop crying.

“Victor...”

He heard Yuuri's concerned voice and wanted to wave it off, to tell him that things were okay and that he just needed a moment. But he was tired of pretending that things were fine, that he was fine. Because he wasn't and Yuuri had been so honest with his feelings that Victor envied him. So why should he be unfair and pretend in front of Yuuri? It felt wrong and he wanted to look up and show Yuuri how he truly felt, but he never got the chance to do so because Yuuri understood. No word left Yuuri's mouth so Victor understood that. He did something different to show Victor that he understood. His warm body came closer and his gentle arms found their way around Victor's shoulder and head until he was glued to Victor's side, pushing the coldness away with one simple hug.

Except, it was not a simple hug. It was almost like the warmth of Yuuri's body helped him to feel warm and like he could handle what he couldn't handle alone.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri was the one who helped Victor up and he was also the one who lent Victor his shoulder, when he was still too weak to hold himself up alone. Relying on others in such a vulnerable moment wasn't easy but Yuuri wasn't just anyone. He didn't make Victor feel like he couldn't be vulnerable. Alone, though, Victor wouldn't have managed to leave that place, so he didn't think much about it but decided to simply be grateful and accept Yuuri’s help.

Once they were outside and Victor was able to breath again, he also managed to stand on his own, but they decided to sit on the bench for a while before they heading home.

Victor used the time that his body needed to find its strength back, to wipe his face clean and blow his nose in a tissue Yuuri gave him. His face and eyes hurt from all the crying but the more he calmed down the more he realized that it was something he had needed to do for a long time. Because the last time he cried that much was when Makkachin died and after that Victor started to close himself up.

It had been so easy to turn his back on everything and everyone but, why wasn't it just as easy to open up and face reality?

“I'm sorry... it was too much I guess.” Victor said and his mouth was dry, his voice wrecked from all the crying.

“Don't apologize, it's okay.”

“Is it? I failed again.” Victor said because it felt like that.

He was brave enough to enter the building, to watch the kids skate and he even enjoyed it, finding a long lost positivity in it. Yet, the moment he was alone he broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. He was still grateful for Yuuri's help but now that his mind became clear again, he felt bad that he didn't have the strength to handle his own mistakes alone.

“Why? Because you cried? Because I helped you?” Yuuri asked and Victor looked at him because he wanted to know what face Yuuri made. Unfortunately it was hard to read his expression.

“Some things we simply can't handle alone. You know that, right?” Yuuri added when he noticed that Victor wouldn't say anything.

Victor blinked confused because it sounded like Yuuri was referring to something he should have known but couldn't remember. Yes, logically he knew that a person couldn't handle some things alone because people were always stronger together. Without Yakov he would have never become the ice skater he used to be and without his parents and their support he wouldn't have met Yakov. Same goes for the friends he had made over the years. Without their support and their inspiration and what the world gave Victor, he wouldn't have been able to create the art he once wasable to create.

However, everything that happened in the past year was his own fault because he decided to walk this way. That's why he believed it was up to him and him alone to figure this out.

“I know. It's just... this is my responsibility and I have to figure this out.” Victor said.

“Yes, I agree with that. But there is nothing wrong with a helping hand, right? In the end, it's you who decides what you do and what not.” Yuuri explained and it sounded like the truth. But before Victor could think about that he needed to know something else.

“You... know what happened, right? I mean... last year when I decided to take a break from ice skating.”

“I know what Yakov and Yuri told me.” Yuuri said without hesitation.

“And what the media wrote about me.” Victor added with a tired smile.

“I don't care what the media says. I care about you and who you are and not who they want me to believe you are.” There was a new tone in Yuuri's voice. It sounded like annoyance but it wasn't directed towards Victor, that he could sense.

“Why though? I understand that Yakov and Yuri care about me, but why you? We don't know each other, right?”

There was a change in Yuuri's face, a shift so painful that it stabbed right into Victor's heart and he realized what he just said. He basically admitted that he forgot about Yuuri and judging by his face – eyes wide and mouth hanging open as if someone just told him that his crush didn't like him – they had met,and Victor forgot.

“So... we did meet.”

“Yes, we did.” Yuuri's voice was small and hurt, and Victor couldn't blame him for that. “But... I guess it's normal that you forgot about that.”

“I forgot a lot of things and I probably hurt more people than I'm aware of.”

“No, it's fine. It happens and it's not important.” Yuuri said and his smile returned even though Victor could tell that it was fake. But he didn't push it and said nothing instead.

“Let's go home. I'll go with you.”

Victor nodded and together they made their way to the bridge. While walking, Victor felt miserable that he hurt Yuuri so bad and felt even worse whenever he looked to his right side and saw Yuuri's face. It was still so honest and still showing Victor how much it hurt him that, whatever past they shared, it meant a lot to Yuuri. Desperately he tried to remember when they met and what kind of relationship they had but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't remember. It was like the day when Makkachin died: he knew it happened but he couldn't remember the details. Same with his love for ice skating.

What if that memory was just as important? No wonder it would hurt Yuuri so bad.

They reached the Inn and were both greeted by Yuuri's mother who immediately noticed that something was off. But both of them smiled and excused their exhausted faces with being tired. Hiroko accepted their excuse and started to talk about bringing them something to eat to Victor's room.

“No, thanks. I'm going home. And I'm not very hungry.” Yuuri said and it was easy to tell that he was obviously lying about that. But they both let him go and as Victor watched Yuuri leave, he felt even worse.

Was it wrong to let him go like that? Should he have said something along the lines of 'let's eat lunch together, I'd like to talk more'? Yuuri, though, did look like he needed some time alone and, even if Victor didn't like to let things be as they were, he understood what it meant, the need to be alone.

 

* * *

 

He didn't see Yuuri for the next two days, which hurt and worried him sick but he understood that this was a decision Yuuri needed to make and when he would be ready to face Victor, he would come. But that concern and guilt was hard to handle and Victor tried to drink it away. The thing was though that every beer he drank, every sake he swallowed tasted bitter and bad and it didn't help him at all. He still had nightmares, he still felt like shit and, though he ate normally, went outside and rested as much as his mind allowed him too, he still felt like the worst person in the world.

Again, he felt like he had failed and the thought tried to control him but Victor did his best to push that it aside and focus on something else.

Fixing things.

That was what he needed and wanted to do. In order to get his life back under control he needed to fix everything he had destroyed between him and the people close to him.

But how? Did he even deserve forgiveness? Although didn't every human being deserve a second chance? And Victor was sure that Yuuri wasn't the kind of person who would be resentful, especially if Victor made it clear that he understood what he had done wrong and that he wanted to do everything to earn his forgiveness. It didn't matter if he couldn't remember what past they shared, his feeling told him so and he wanted to trust his heart.

Because a heart would never beat so fast and so warm for no reason and that's what it did whenever Yuuri was around.

The third day without Yuuri arrived and Victor decided to go to his place and visit him. He waited till evening because he wasn't sure if Yuuri would be in his apartment during the day and he didn't want to appear like a stalker and go there again and again or wait in front of his door.

Evening came but there was no need to go that far because the moment he wanted to leave the Inn, Yuuri opened the door and both stopped in their track.

“You're back.” Victor breathed and the, by now, familiar rhythm of his heart returned.

“Yeah... sorry. I've been busy with work and... needed time for myself.”

Time for himself, yes, that was what Victor thought. But now that Yuuri was there and apparently ready to face Victor he needed to grab this chance and make the best out of it.

He already failed, right? He couldn't fail again.

“I'm just picking something-”

“Let's eat dinner together. And...err... I... I have to tell you something. If that's okay.” Victor interrupted him, because he didn't want to say that he wanted to 'fix' what he broke.

Yuuri however, took his time thinking about Victor's words but eventually agreed which filled Victor's body with such a relieve that he felt like he could fall because of his knees becoming weak.

They walked to Victor's room in silence, both forgetting that they actually wanted to eat something, because there was something far more important than that. While Victor closed the door and watched Yuuri sitting down at the table, he thought about what he could say and how he should start. First he needed to apologize, right? And then he needed to make Yuuri understand that he had no control over what his mind forgot and what not. But in his mind it all seemed to be so lame and half-hearted that it irritated him far too much.

“Victor?” Yuuri said,breaking the silence and Victor looked up, hopeful that whatever Yuuri wanted to say would help him to find the right words. Or at least the courage to say anything at all.

“I'm sorry that I avoided you. It was just... shocking to know that it was true that you forgot…things. But... I've been thinking and... I guess you didn't watch the competitions last year, right? Otherwise I'm sure you would have known who won last year.”

Victor nodded and wondered if it was about that. Was Yuuri hurt because Victor didn't know that he won gold? No... Yuuri wasn't that kind of guy walking around, bragging about his success. Victor knew that because whenever someone mentioned it when Yuuri visited the Inn, he was humble, thanking them for their support.

“No, I didn't see them.” he admitted. “I've avoided everything that was connected to ice skating because it hurt too much.”

Yuuri nodded without a word and Victor was sure that they both thought about the same thing: Victor's break down after he entered an ice-skating rink for the first time in over a year.

“I thought so... that's why I understand and I'm not angry or anything. Anyway, you wanted to tell me something.”

“Yes... right.” Victor mumbled still not knowing where to start or what to say. But he needed to try and maybe it would make sense later. “I actually wanted to apologize for... forgetting and for hurting you. Or maybe I'm just imagining things but I... feel like I should apologize even though I'm not sure about what, when I can't remember.”

Yuuri said nothing and simply looked at Victor, his face not showing any hurt or sadness. All he did was give Victor his attention and maybe that was what he needed. Someone who would listen to whatever he had to say and let him talk until he couldn't talk anymore. Unlike anyone else in his life who always gave Victor the feeling that they had high expectation of him, Yuuri didn't make him feel that way. He said it so himself: he didn't believe in the media and he didn't care what anyone else said. He cared about the real Victor he was. Natural, private with all his flaws, right?

Maybe it was a good thing that Victor couldn't remember whatever connected the two of them. Perhaps, because of that missing link, he felt like he could share everything with Yuuri but not with Yakov – who knew him way too well – or Yuri – who was simply too young to understand everything – or Chris – who had been his friend for a long time and probably would have pushed Victor into whatever direction while wanting the best for him.

But not Yuuri.

He let him be, he let him cry and maybe that was why Victor trusted Yuuri more, or simply in a different way.

“Maybe... tell me what happened.” Yuuri suggested.

“What happened?”

“Yes, in your life. I'd like... to know what happened.”

He smiled to himself when he realized that his thoughts had been right, that his heart had been right all along. He could talk about anything and Yuuri wouldn't judge him or push him. He would listen and try to understand, but he would never judge Victor or tell him that what he felt or thought was wrong.

And so Victor started to share his story.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you guys enjoy this fic so far. I just wanted to leave some words. First: This fic was never meant to be something long. I'm already done with chapter 6 and I'm working on chapter 7 & 8 and then this fic will be done. Second: I have another YOI fic which will be up right after this one is done. Thank you for reading and for leaving kudos and comments, it means truly a lot to me and every other author!


	6. Part 6

Part 6.

 

“The first time I entered the ice was when I was six years old. I thought that the ice was pretty and that it could have been fun to skate. Since then ice-skating was all I ever wanted to do and, luckily, my parents supported me. A year later people started to recognize ~~d~~ my talent and soon I had my first coach, Yakov. I didn't understand what it meant to become famous and, consequently, be under the public eye. As a kid you simply want to do what you love and so I did that, while the grown ups took care of everything else, while also protecting me. But at some point, I started to understand how the worldworks and I noticed that the media kept watching every step I made once I had my senior debut.

I suppose that children are simply more protected but the moment you become a young adult, everything changes. At first it didn't bother me at all. My focus was on ice skating only and encouraging others to work hard in order to achieve what I achieved and also... the need to surprise people. That was my main goal. To constantly surprise people and make them feel good, happy, feel something whenever they watched me perform. But the older I became, the more I understood and, at some point, it was time to become someone I didn't want to be. Basically, I had to grow up.

So I cut my hair and changed because I had to enter the world of adulthood.

It's something we all have to do at some point, but I guess there is a difference between being a private and a public person. But I'm not a pessimistic person, I've always been a positive guy that always focused on the good no matter what situation I had to face. My heart had always been in it, I poured everything into it.”

Victor breathed in and out while his memories came back, one after the other.

Of him as a naive child who simply loved the ice and all he wanted to do was to skate and feel the cold air on his body. Of his younger self who achieved win after win and set record after record with his heart always in it.

But then he remembered the dark moment when he noticed how his body started changing, how people didn't see him as the young Victor anymore but someone else. Someone sexier, someone grown up and he had no choice but to follow that kind of business if he wanted to succeed.

He remembered how he stood in front of his mirror and cut his long hair with tears on his face and said goodbye to the youth that had been filled with dreams and naivety, that those hair represented.

“I had fans, I had people who wanted to talk to me and be close to me. I thought that kind of love was real, that it was everything I could ask for and everything I needed. But the more I poured my heart into it and dared to dream, the more I realized how superficial everything actually was, and had been for a very long time. I'm not... ungrateful or anything. It was just... I felt empty I guess. The love and life I got while being a public person wasn't... fulfilling whenever I went home. I only had Makkachin who never expected anything from me and who accepted me for what I truly was. But then... it was my own fault for not asserting myself and letting others decide for me. Eventually I lost my inspiration and decided to take some time off and focus on me. But when Makkachin died... it felt like I had lost everything and... then I started to drink and ignore everything and everyone around me.”

“And that's when you started to forget?” Yuuri asked quietly. It was the first and only thing he said while Victor let it all out.

“It wasn't like I wanted to forget. I... all I wanted was for the pain to disappear. I don't know when drinking every evening became a habit. It helped me to sleep and to stop thinking but through that I also pushed a lot of things out of my mind. I'm sure everythingis there somewhere, I just can't remember things.” Victor said, feeling ashamed of himself.

Sure, he was just a human and humans made mistakes, but falling so low that he let a bottle of booze calm him down instead of common sense, made him feel deep shame. There had been so much he handled without alcohol.

“I... always wondered why you cut your hair… ” Yuuri said, unsure.

But exactly that trivial thing made Victor chuckle. Yes, he had cut his hair and people went crazy over it.

“Thank you for telling me all of that though. I really... appreciate it.” Yuuri continued.

“I must have sound like some brat. But now I realize that... I was the one who let the thing I love become business. I could have said no to a lot of stuff, but I also didn't want to disappoint anyone.” Victor realized.

“Well... you are someone else though. There is only one Victor Nikiforov. And you accomplished so much...”

“There are people who can accomplish the same things I did. Like you, Yuuri. You won gold last year and I don't see the media hunting you down. But maybe that has something to do with Japan and the people around you and who you are.” Victor reasoned.

They were silent again and Victor used that moment to just breath and calm down.

It was the first time that he let it all out - through words - to someone. Yakov never needed to hear what Victor thought because he himself knew how unfair the business could be. And he did his best to protect Victor, even though Victor was the one who agreed to most things because he believed, at the time, that those would be the right things to do. Now he realized what all of that did to him and, letting it out through words, was exactly what he had needed to do for so long.

“What are you going to do now? After everything you've realized.” Yuuri asked, resting his arms on the table.

“I... I want to fix things with people I've hurt and... sort out my life so I can get it back. I guess... I need to find some kind of closure with everything.” Victor explained. “Although...I don't know how to start.”

“Maybe you should start with calling Yakov and apologize?” Yuuri suggested.

Yakov, yes. He needed to apologize and let him know that he was doing much better and that he was working on himself.

Determined to do that, though, his hands started to sweat and shake. Still, he looked for his phone but couldn't find it. Everything that somehow connected him to the world outside had been forgotten in a corner of his room months ago.

“Here, use mine.” Yuuri said and handed Victor his phone. On its display Victor saw Yakov’s contact. Of course, Yuuri knew him, they had planned this together so it was logical that he had Yakov's number.

Victor took the phone from his hand and hesitated a moment before he pressed the button and waited.

“Hello Yuuri.” Yakov said on the other end. Victor had no idea that hearing Yakov's voice after such a long time would touch him so deeply and so sharply that he was suddenly close to tears.

But after feeling guilty, sorry and ashamed, it wasn't surprising at all to react in the way he did.

“No... it's me... Victor.”

“Victor...” Yakov's voice changed into one that was confused but becoming slowly thick and filled with emotions when he said. “So you finally came to your senses?”

“Yes,” Victor choked out with a bitter smile, clutching the phone when he said: “I'm... sorry, Yakov. Now I understand what I did.”

He heard Yakov sniffing and the idea of a grown up man with a grumpy expression like Yakov that had been trying not to cry, made Victor chuckle.

He listened to Yakov going on about how stupid Victor had been, but that was okay. He needed that lecture and while he listened and apologized over and over again, Victor looked towards a smiling Yuuri and reached out for his hand. People always said that the first step was the hardest, and Victor knew now how true that was. But holding Yuuri's hand - who didn't say anything, but simply held onto Victor's hand - he knew, somehow, that he would take the other steps as well.

“Are you crying, Yakov?” Victor asked jokingly.

“Don't get smart, you idiot!” they heard Yakov yelling from the other end and laughed together.

After the call with Yakov, Yuuri stayed in Victor's room and they ate lunch together, while talking about what Victor wanted to do from that moment on.

For now he knew just two things:

First, he didn't want to drink anymore – at least not as a copingmechanism; second, he wanted to ice skate again, though he still had no idea how to do that.

Yuuri suggested that maybe he should simply accompany him and the kids during the lessons because the kids seemed to have a good influence on him. Victor agreed to that and, while Yuuri talked about the kids and how much fun it was to teach them, Victor fell asleep and, for the first time, he didn't have a nightmare.

 

* * *

 

From that day on Victor went with Yuuri and his students to the ice rink and for the first two weeks he was just an observer. It was still hard to enter an ice-skating rink for him because he couldn't stop shaking or his hands from sweating. He would still be the last one to leave together with Yuuri, who always stood close to him just in case Victor needed a shoulder to lean on. But with each passing day it became easier and easier to watch the kids and feel and smell the unique atmosphere only an ice rink had. However, the hardest thing to deal with, were the evenings. Usually he went to the Inn alone while Yuuri went to his apartment. But he refused to drink and dealt with the nightmares he had on his own, trying out different things that maybe could help him.

First, he took his phone and started to text Chris and Yakov again, telling them about his day and how he was slowly feeling better. Yakov was still worried that Victor might fall back because he texted him at least three times a day. Chris however seemed to have more trust in Victor and didn't hide how happy he was about Victor's decision and supported him through his texts in his own unique way. But both his friends were smart enough ~~to~~ not to mention anything about the upcoming ice skating competition.

For that Victor wasn't ready yet.

One day during one of Yuuri's lessons they sat together outside and ate lunch, while one of the boys – his name was Shingo – kept on staring at Victor, but never said a word.

“Did I do something wrong?” Victor asked Yuuri, noticing the stares but not saying anythingbefore. Maybe it meant nothing and Victor didn't want to cause any kind of trouble.

“Why?” Yuuri asked, munching on a piece of sausage.

“I know!” Shingo exclaimed before Victor could explain to Yuuri what he meant. They all stopped eating and looked at the boy who seemed to have found an answer for a question that had been bothering him for a long time.

“You're Victor Niki... eh, what was it?” Shingo thought.

“Nikiforov?” Victor helped him.

Suddenly all the kids were staring at Victor with huge eyes and their little mouths hanging open. Oh, so even kids knew who he was? The only hope Victor had was that they didn't know what he did in the past year because he didn't want to be a bad example.

“Yes!” Shingo said excited and with his mouth still open.

It was a familiar view Victor had seen many times before when he had met younger skaters. There was admiration but also a sign of hope that, simply because Victor was real and talking to them, they could get some advice, some support and become better. Always, whenever he met someone younger and hard working, he did his best to encourage them because he understood the influence ~~of~~ a famous person could have.

But this time something else happened and one of the girls – Toru was her name – said.

“Yuuri-sensei has a lot of posters of you in his room, you know?”

“Toru-chan!” Yuuri exclaimed, but the kids became excited as they all remembered.

“Sensei always says how much he loves Victor and that he wanted to become as good as he is.” Toru kept on talking and Yuuri blushed furiously, shaking his head in a declining matter.

“Stop it! That's not true!” Yuuri groaned and covered his face with his hands.

Watching Yuuri becoming so embarrassed and his cheeks burning was the cutest thing Victor has ever seen in his life. But also knowing all of that was suddenly opening new doors and a better understanding of Yuuri himself. So he had been a fan of Victor all this time and though his idol was there he kept his distance and didn't invade Victor's privacy? It was nice knowing all of that. It made him happy, but it also made him realize how much he must have hurt Yuuri with his behavior...certainly far more than Victor was aware of.

Though, he didn't want to think about that right now. Instead he felt the need to tease Yuuri a bit.

“Oh? Is that true, Yuuri-sensei?” he said with a grin on his face and a knowing look.

“Victor!” Yuuri whined. “Stop it... this is embarrassing.”

“Sensei's face is all red!” the kids pointed out laughing, and Victor joined in. It felt weird to laugh because he hadn't laughed like that in a long time. But it felt good, really good, to finally have back familiar warmth that came from feeling joy.

“Why aren't you skating with us though?” Shingo asked and his eyes were focused on Victor.

“I'm taking a break from ice skating. But I hope I can join you guys soon.” Victor answered without thinking too much. It wasn't a lie really, but telling the kids the whole truth was not an option.

“Is your leg hurt or something?” Shingo didn't let it go which wasn't surprising because he was the most ambitious one from the group. He worked harder than anyone else and it reminded Victor of Yuri from Russia, who had worked just as hard to this day.

“Yeah, something like that.” Victor approved and looked at Yuuri who was still blushing but looking at him to make sure that Victor was okay.

He was, he felt more than okay and there was no need to lie to himself anymore. He wasn't mentally healthy yet, that was the hard truth, and he needed to admit that to himself.

After lunch they went back to practice and when it was time for the parents to arrive, Yuuri followed the kids into the changing room while Victor remained – just like always – at the ice rink walls, and looked at the ice. Staying there didn't make him feel sick anymore or brought back memories that made him feel scared and turned his body weak. Yet he didn't feel ready to skate although he had to admit that sometimes, when he watched the kids learning something new and glowing with joy, it awoke something inside him that almost pushed him inside the rink.

A sigh fell from his lips as he looked down, his hands still holding the edge. For a while he had an inner fight with himself if he should just go home and wait for a bit longer or if he should simply get over himself and enter the ice. What held him back though was the question of what would happen to his body if he did so, because the last thing he wanted to do was to cause Yuuri trouble again.

That's why he did something else.

Slowly he let go of the wall and bent forward until he could feel the ice touching his fingertips. It burned, it hurt and he waited for the ice to break, for the darkness to come and swallow him.

But nothing like that happened.

Instead he ran his finger over the ice for a couple of seconds but had to pull back eventually because it was a bit too much to handle.

He brought his fingers close to his face, examined them with his eyes for a while and let the coldness melt before a small smile stretched over his lips.

Soon, he thought.

“Ready to go home?” Yuuri asked when he came back. He nodded and together they left the hall.

They left the building and Victor wondered if he would have another nightmare tonight. He was able to handle them better but he wasn't feeling as good as he wanted to because of the lack of sleep. Though, thinking aboutit wouldn't do any good either because it wasn't like he could control his dreams and they weren't stopping him from dealing with the daily life.

Distraction, that was what he needed.

Suddenly he remembered what happened at lunch and that he never found out if what the kid said was actually true or not...and he was curious.

“Soooo, is it true what Toru-chan said?” Victor asked, trying to have an unreadable face but when he looked and heard what Yuuri said he couldn't stop his smile.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Yuuri tried.

“Yuuuuuriii.” Victor whined and leaned closer which made Yuuri take two steps away from him. “You know so much about me and I'd like to know more about you.”

“Huh? Really?” Yuuri asked. The disbelief was not an act, it was honest and Victor wondered why it seemed to be so surprising. Didn't friends do that? Getting to know each other better?

“Is that so surprising?”

“Ah... no. Uhm... well, it's true. I've been a fan of yours since I saw your debut as a senior.”

12 years? Did they meet during one of the competitions? It must have been then and he wished he could remember because it still annoyed him that he couldn't. How could he have forgotten someone like Yuuri who cared about him and took care of him and made Victor feel all these things? Someone that let his heart beat faster whenever they were together?

There must be a reason and he wanted to ask Yuuri but didn't because that was his thing to figure out. Relying on others was no longer an issue but whatever he could do on his own was his responsibility alone.

“But... I haven't seen any posters of me in your apartment.” Victor thought out loud.

“No, they aren't there...they're in my old room in the Inn.”

“Really? Can I see it?” he asked a bit excited.

Maybe that would help him? Maybe Yuuri had a picture of them together?

“S-sure.” Yuuri agreed and they continued to walk.

Victor followed Yuuri through the building to parts he hadn't explored yet. He knew they had an onsen and since it was close to autumn he couldn't wait to try that out. But now all he wanted to see was Yuuri's old room and maybe find something that could help him to remember. Yuuri however seemed to become more nervous the closer they got and though Victor wanted to calm him down, it was simply too cute so he didn't say anything and watched Yuuri open his room while pressing his lips together.

It was a small room but it represented Yuuri in the way he knew him…and then it didn't. The kids weren't exaggerating when they said that Yuuri 'loved' Victor and they didn't lie about the posters. There were many of them from over the years since his senior debut. Seeing himself was weird and was recalling so many memories that made him feel a lot of things.

“Wow! You really know me well, huh?”

“N...no. I wouldn't say that. After all the media can publish anything and it'snot necessarily the truth. I'm just a fan.” Yuuri said.

“No, you're right.” Victor agreed and touched the poster of his younger self with long hair and a black costume. He looked around but didn't find a picture of him and Yuuri, nothing that seemed to be personal and connected to him. Which was fine because being in Yuuri's room and getting to know him without Yuuri saying anything was even better.

“You like playing video games?” Victor asked and pointed at the Playstation that was forgotten on Yuuri's desk.

“Yeah, I do. But I have yet to find the time to move everything from here into my apartment.”

“Well, we can play in my room and eat dinner together? What do you think?”

Yuuri looked at Victor for a long time and then crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you sure? I thought you didn't like playing games… Or was that a lie? Because I read it somewhere.”

“It's not that... I just suck at it. I could never admit that during an interview though.” Victor admitted with a crooked grin.

They moved the console to Victor's room and Yuuri plugged everything into the TV while Victor helped Yuuri's mother carry the dinner to his room.

They ate first and when they were done Yuuri was on fire to start whatever game he wanted to play. Victor was lying on his bed and watched Yuuri play. He noticed how Yuuri's hair got a bit longer since the first time they met and also how Yuuri forgot about everything and everyone around him while playing.

And that was fine, it was perfect actually. Just listening to Yuuri's voice and knowing he was there, calmed Victor down so much that not one single dark thought or feeling found its way into his consciousness.

He wanted this moment to last forever.

“Yuuri?”

“Yes?” Yuuri reacted without looking away from the screen.

“Can we eat lunch together every day?”

“What?” Yuuri turned around. “Is something wrong?”

“No, I'm fine. It's just... having you around helps me to calm down.”

Honesty became a rare thing during the past 4 or 5 years of his life and it caused a lot of trouble in his life. But Victor didn't want to do that anymore and when he looked at Yuuri and saw how his face, again, showed how he truly felt, Victor was sure that being honest with words, this time, would be good. Whatever this feeling he felt was, it was a good one, and he wanted to embrace it more and more until it would make sense and could be named as something clearer.

“I... yeah. I'd like that.” Yuuri said which wasn't a lie but it was visible that he was hiding something.

“You don't have to if you don't want to, Yuuri. I get it that it can be hard having me-”

“No, it's not that. I said I'm okay with that so... don't worry.”

Victor believed him but he wanted to know what Yuuri was omitting because his eyes were pretty explanatory.

Something was there that Yuuri couldn't quite grasp but Victor didn't want to push his luck today, so he let it slide for now.

Perhaps it had something to do with what he had forgotten about the two of them? It must have been something important, right?

 

* * *

 

Yuuri kept his word and since then they ate lunch together every day, sometimes in Victor's room and sometimes in Yuuri's apartment. It became their ritual that Yuuri left whenever Victor fell asleep or Victor would go home and treasure the conversations they had and the smile Yuuri always gave him.

The nightmares didn't disappear miraculously but they became less frightening and had less impact on Victor. But the best thing was that he didn't drink and slowly his body got used to that, which was day after day more visible when he looked at his reflection. His skin wasn't that pale anymore, the dark circles under his eyes were gone and his body was becoming thicker and healthier and stronger.

Victor felt good and that feeling alone was making him happy and sometimes brought tears to his eyes because, perhaps, not everything was lost.

But beside his own improvement and getting healthier day after day, Victor also got something else. It was the joy of the kids who asked Victor if they did a good job on the ice and included him entirely into their group. It was the conversations he had with Yuuri's parents and the people visiting the Inn that made him learn more about this country and about its culture.

But the best thing was that he finally got to know more about Yuuri. Every evening they would talk about the kids and how they could help them at practice that day. Any other day Victor would ask Yuuri things about him to get to know him better.

Like that Yuuri had some anxiety issues and that it always annoyed him how he mentally wasn't the fittest. He changed a lot during the last year and it became less of a burden but it was still a thing that sometimes became an obstacle.

For Victor though Yuuri was not a weak person just because he had those issues. After all, he faced his demons and won gold still, unlike Victor. If that wasn't inner strength and courage, Victor didn't know what it was.

Some things he learned without Yuuri telling himanything.

Like, whenever Yuuri entered the ice he became a different person. He was more focused, determined to do things right and if he fell, he stood up and moved on. It was fascinating to watch how this – sometimes stuttering - Yuuri became a full sensei on the ice and gave his best. It made Victor wonder what Yuuri looked like when he performed and he was close to google it and watch some videos but the fear of the media was still alive and not something he could face just yet.

They lived like that for a whole month and while a lot of things changed and Victor became better, he still refused to enter the ice. He was scared of falling and being swallowed by the ice. Rationally he knew it was stupid but that was a fear he simply couldn't shake off. Yuuri obviously noticed, that but never said anything... until one evening in the middle of October.

“I like to show you something tomorrow. Maybe it'll help you to finally find the courage to enter the ice.” Yuuri said while they were sitting on Victor's bed, watching a movie on Yuuri's laptop.

“Okay.” Victor breathed and looked down at their hands that were resting next to each other without touching.

“It's okay if you don't feel ready... I just have an idea and I hope it'll help you.”

“That's okay. I trust you.” Victor said and moved his fingers to get closer to Yuuri's hand. Holding it would help him to calm down but how much could he ask of Yuuri? He already gave Victor so much without even asking ~~of~~ for something in return. “I wonder though... if it's okay to take so much from you and not being able to give you something in return. You constantly help me.”

“It's you who does the hard work, Victor. I, and all the others, are doing nothing but standing at your side.”

That was so typical Yuuri. He could be bold and proud but he could be even more humble and play himself down. Was he even aware of his own strength? No, Victor was sure Yuuri was, considering what he told him about his anxiety and how he, still, managed to fulfill his dream. But knowing that, didn't mean that he was able to embrace it fully. Just like Victor knew what he was capable of and yet he refused to enter the ice.

“And it's not like you don't give me something back. Having you here... is more than I could ask for.” Yuuri admitted and Victor needed to look at him because he couldn't guess what kind of face Yuuri was making.

But he wasn't blushing nor smiling, he just seemed to be lost in his thoughts, in some memory that they didn't share. That was the face Yuuri always made when they talked about the past and how there was something connecting them. Again Victor wanted to ask but he refused and instead took Yuuri's hand into his and rested his head on Yuuri's shoulder, feeling how stiff he became – yeah, Yuuri didn't know how to handle people getting close to him even if it was something as simple as a hug.

However, apparently, Yuuri felt comfortable enough around Victor to not run or push him away and Victor hoped that, perhaps, he was helping Yuuri as well. He knew that Yuuri never had a girlfriend or any kind of romantic relationship – that had been a question he couldn't hold back – and that Yuuri always had a hard time making friends because he felt most comfortable alone. Though when Victor remembered the photographs Yuuri had in his apartment he understood that this also changed and he liked that Yuuri found friends.

But for whatever reason he wished that he could be someone special to Yuuri. Not an idol, not a famous person. He simply wanted to be himself, the Victor behind the cameras and special to this boy who had become a special person to Victor during the past months.

“I like it here.” Victor admitted and closed his eyes. “And you can show me whatever you want tomorrow.”

Victor didn't let go of Yuuri's hand nor did he pull back and it wasn't an odd thing coming from him. He had always been a rather touchy-feely person and had no issues with hugs or kisses on the cheek. A touch reminded him that he wasn't dreaming and that he was still alive and living but no matter who he hugged or who touched him, no one made him feel the way Yuuri did.

Obviously, he noticed how Yuuri reacted to even the most casual touches but eventually, just like now, Yuuri relaxed and responded with a squeeze from his hand to show that this was okay.

 

* * *

 

The following day Victor was up early and sat at the window to watch how the leaves were falling from the trees and covering the ground in red, yellow and orange. The smell of rain was still lingering in the air but the sun was already rising ~~and~~ as the sky became a beautiful mix of blue and orange.

Later, Victor thought, he would go to the beach and watch the sun set and, hopefully, Yuuri would go with him.

Yuuri.

He thought and smiled to himself as he remembered the evening and how warm and soft it was to rest against him. Maybe he would get this chance again today, although he felt kind of creepy for thinking that.

His feelings confused him just as much as they felt good and he wondered if Yuuri felt something similar. Yes, Yuuri was his fan but Yuuri didn't care much about his public persona but more about the person he truly was and, whenever Victor recalled how Yuuri blushed around him, how he constantly supported and helped Victor, he wanted to believe that Yuuri felt something similar.

But there was a difference between having romantic feelings and being a nice person.

Romantic feelings?

Victor gasped when he thought about that. Did he have romantic feelings for him or was it something else? It wasn't easy to tell because he had never experienced something like that. Sure, he was no virgin and he had relationships but he wasn't sure if he ever had felt that way he did now. Those feelings were always something rather superficial and nothing he could trust in. Though thinking about it wouldn't really help him, right? All he could do was wait and see because there were other things he needed to take care of first. Because even if he had romantic feelings for this young man, it was pointless to confess or embrace them.

Victor needed to work his life out first and be able to stand on his own two feet before he could think about something like that. Otherwise it felt like he would rely on others far too much and who could promise him that this person would remain at his side forever? He didn't want to be a person who's source of happiness and life relied on another person. He needed to rely on himself and love himself before he could let another person that close to him.

After lunch Victor left the Inn and made his way to the Ice Castle where he and Yuuri were supposed to met each other. He arrived there a bit earlier and used the time to sit on the benches and enjoy the weather while preparing mentally for whatever Yuuri wanted to show him. He hoped that Yuuri wouldn't try to basically force him on the ice but knowing Yuuri he wouldn't do such a thing. It was also the first time that it was just the two of them and an empty ice-skating rink because every other time the kids were with them.

It was a weird feeling, Victor had to admit, but it wasn't a bad one because the pressure he usually felt around the kids – so he wouldn't scare them or anything – was gone. Maybe that was what Yuuri wanted to show him? The two of them inside this building and enjoying the atmosphere? Victor knew he could guess and guess some more but he wouldn't know for sure because Yuuri was full of surprises.

“Victor!” Yuuri called his name, his cheeks flushed because he had been running.

Victor stood up and approached him with a gentle smile before Yuuri unlocked the doors and they both walked inside. In the changing room Victor watched Yuuri carefully checking if he had another pair of ice skates with him. There were none and instead Yuuri put his on and pointed to the door that led to the ice rink. Victor followed him and he expected to see something or someone but there was nothing. Just the rink, the ice and an huge empty hall.

“Victor?” Yuuri said his name and Victor immediately turned his head to him. But there was just Yuuri in his black and blue tracksuit, taking his glasses off and handing them to Victor. “Can you hold these for me and press the play button when I tell you so?” He pointed at the CD-player on a table that they used whenever the kids practiced.

“Okay.” Victor agreed and watched Yuuri entering the ice and skating to the center of it. His eyes never left Yuuri and he waited for a simple nod to start the music. But Yuuri took his time before he nodded and while Yuuri took his pose Victor pressed the button and watched Yuuri.

The music began and the song made Victor almost gasp. The first note was enough to bring back many different feelings and many different memories that were connected to this song. Memories of him practicing to this song, creating a performance and a story that was related to the situation he had been in back then. Though, everything was still a blur and he didn't want his feelings or memories to distract him from Yuuri.

Because watching Yuuri skating the program Victor once created was breathtaking. It wasn't just a simple copy of his performance it was far more than that. Yuuri felt the music and he felt the words that were sung in that song and portrayed them in such an honest and unique way, as if he knew what those feeling felt like – the pain to see other people being with their special someone and the wish to have someone special close to themselves and never letting that person go.

Back then Victor felt something similar but it wasn't about someone special because such a person didn't exist when he created this performance. Back then it was about wanting to have someone special in the first place. Someone who wasn't a part of this superficial world and who didn't view Victor as the person the media presented him as and what the business wanted him to be.

Back then he wanted to be himself and be loved and accepted by someone as he was. Someone who would share love and life with him.

Somehow, while watching Yuuri and remembering all of that, it all clicked together that, in the end, they both wanted the same thing. Yuuri told him that through the way he skated and through his face, showing it to Victor even clearer when he came close to him – because it was part of the performance – but then skated back and made Victor's heart beat faster and feel warmer than ever before.

Was this Yuuri's way to show Victor that he still inspired people?

Was this Yuuri's way to show Victor that he could do the same thing and return to the ice?

Was this Yuuri trying to tell him that he wanted Victor to stay here with him? That he was someone special to Yuuri?

These and many more questions filled his head because Yuuri showed so much but whatever he showed and whatever he tried to tell Victor through his unique style of ice skating... it reached his heart and Victor couldn't wait for the performance to end so he could hug Yuuri… kiss Yuuri.

Wait.

He stopped breathing for a second when he realized his thoughts. Did he just think that he wanted to kiss Yuuri? Yes, he did and it made him blush when he realized what that meant and what should have been obvious since the first time he saw Yuuri.

He was in love with him.

After realizing that, Victor wasn't able to take anything else in with understanding. He watched Yuuri skating back when he was done with his performance, he saw Yuuri's mouth moving but no word reached his ear. Yuuri was sweating and breathing hard, the tips of his ears were red, just like his nose and cheeks when he left the ice and faced Victor. But none of that mattered because all Victor could hear was his own heartbeat and the voice that told him that he was in love.

He was so deeply in love that it was too much to handle it alone so he walked towards Yuuri and hugged him close. Only then did he feel the ground under his feet again, only then he was able to breath properly again, while reality found it's way back.

“Victor.” Yuuri mumbled against his shoulder.

“Thank you... you were great.” Victor said, his voice thick and trembling and his arms squeezing him a bit stronger against his body until he felt how Yuuri smiled and heard the little sigh coming from him as he hugged Victor back, as if he understood what just happened.

That evening when Victor was alone in his room he sighed and let all the feelings and memories fill his body and mind. Long lost memories and feelings that were no longer suffocating and confusing him but they were just what they were. They were part of his past and an experience he once made that he was able to smile about for the first time since he decided to take some time off from ice skating.

Not feeling any pain or fear because of that was good and calming him down until the new feelings returned when he rolled over and saw Yuuri's Playstation.

Yes, he was in love, deeply in love and it took him so long to realize that that he almost laughed. He was on such a high that it was hard to go back to reality and tell himself that he couldn't tell Yuuri that.

First, he didn't know if Yuuri even felt the same way and second, he wasn't himself yet.

The idea to enter the ice still scared him and not everything was fixed yet. At some point he needed to go back to Russia and face his daemons there, alone.

Though, the thought of leaving Japan made his heart heavy. He didn't want to go somewhere where Yuuri wasn't but he also knew that if he ever confessed his love to Yuuri and was turned down, he would need to leave anyway.

Yet, he didn't go crazy about those thoughts because it was simply too soon to worry about them.

For now all he wanted was to let the feeling grow, give him the strength he needed and lull him into a sleep without any nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Only two chapters left!


	7. Part 7

 

Being in love, Victor realized, was really one of the most beautiful feelings he had ever felt and, at the same time, it was also the most painful one. If he didn't accompany Yuuri and the kids, they would eat lunch together, and it was hard to not overstep any lines or become too clingy. Holding back had never been one of Victor's strength and though he had always been rather unaware of that, being in love and wanting to touch the person he loved, made him wonder if he was coming on too strong too many times.

Yuuri didn't help him much to understand when and if he crossed any lines or made Yuuri uncomfortable because even if Yuuri froze for the first couple of seconds, he eventually relaxed and responded to touches. The only times he pushed Victor back where the times when he obviously was in a playful mood and was either trying to tease Yuuri or make him laugh.

Insecure about that Victor tried his best ~~to~~ not to be too obvious and also not get too used to this. Not to forget that he wasn't supposed to show Victor his feelings just yet. He was supposed to take care of himself and the issues he still had.

It wasn't like Victor had no opportunities to enter the ice and try skating again because there were tons of chances to try. But he didn't want to do it in front of the kids nor did he want to rely on Yuuri. He wanted the hall to himself to be alone, so that if he would fail, he could cry alone. This was his problem and his alone and if he didn't have enough strength to face it, then there was no point in confessing – that's what he told himself and what he believed in. This was his personal goal and perhaps the biggest obstacle he ever had to face in his entire life.

Until that moment came he focused on getting back into shape, which included running in the morning, doing gymnastics and being careful with what he ate. It was hard at the beginning but slowly his body got used to it and his mood lifted immensely. It wasn't something new for Victor because his life used to be like that, filled with working out and eating healthy. The only difference was that he didn't feel like this made no sense at all. This time he felt motivated and had a clear goal he wanted to reach.

One afternoon, at the end of October, he got the chance to be alone because Yuuri had a meeting with the parents of the kids he was teaching and told Victor that it would take some time before he'd return. The meeting took place inside the Ice Castle which gave Victor the opportunity to freely walk around but moreover, it gave him the chance to be alone with the ice. He waited until the voices disappeared and walked into the changing room to get a pair of ice skates he knew where there.

Holding them was not an issue but sitting on the bench and putting them on was making him nervous. Skates used to be something normal to him and something he loved, and now it just felt weird to wear them.

With shaking legs he left the changing room and got a hold of the rink walls when Victor felt like he would fall and never get up again. If walking there on even ground was already that hard, what would it feel like if he entered the ice? Would he even get to feel the ice under him?

His azure eyes looked to the entrance and, although it was cold and he wasn't moving at all, his body started to sweat.

Such a chance... when would he get this again? In a week? In a month? How many excuses would Victor come up with during that time? Probably too many.

So he swallowed down his fears and forced his legs to move. Slowly as if it was the first time he was figuring out how to walk, Victor approached the entrance to the ice and looked down at his feet. There were mere centimeters between the even ground and the ice and for a second everything seemed to become black but he shook his head, took a deep breath and moved his heavy leg.

His breathing left his mouth a bit faster while his hand was clutching the rink wall and then his second foot followed and there he was, standing on the ice like someone who had never been on the it before. The hand never left the rink wall while he tried to move further but it took him a while before his legs stopped moving uncontrollably.

Breath, Victor thought, breath and calm down. He could do that, he knew how to do it and even if he would fall his hands would help him up. This was what he could do best, this was his life and his love and if he managed to return on the ice he knew it would also make Yuuri smile.

Yes, he wanted that. He wanted his life back and he wanted to make Yuuri smile.

His hands let go of the rink walls, the skates carrying him over the ice. It was hard to keep his balance because of the chaos inside him. Somehow he managed to stand still and let his feet feel the ice under him. He bent down to touch it with his fingers and yes, it was cold and painful but it wasn't unfamiliar. While the ice melted on his fingers he moved his left foot to feel the blade sliding over the ice and did the same with his right foot while recalling how this worked.

Whenever Victor thought about what it would feel like to be on the ice again, he was almost certain that it would feel like something he had never done before. But he had been skating for so many years that, knowing to do it, he you would never forget. Just like riding a bike.

With a final nod and summoning all his courage he made the first move, then another one, followed by the next until he was slowly skating. For a couple of seconds Victor simply closed his eyes at let the wind run through his hair, touch his skin and drowned in that familiar feeling until it didn't scare him anymore.

The feeling of flying.

That's what it always felt like to him, flying far away in a world that he created as his ears took in the sound of the blades touching the ice, skating over it, leaving traces and echoing from the walls. All his fears, all the nightmares, flew out of his mind in that very moment and, instead, the familiar feeling that he had missed so much, returned. Victor skated for a long time and didn't jump or tried anything else because that wasn't important now. Letting himself feel and hear the love on the ice was all he needed for now and it felt good. So good that his eyes filled with tears and a gentle smile appeared on his lips.

Though, his strength to hold himself up didn't last for long and when he tried to return to where he entered the ice, Victor actually slipped and landed on his ass. But he didn't panic. Instead he let his hands feel the ice, let his body absorb the coldness and sighed.

Why had he been so scared? Why had he been running away from something that had actually helped him all his life? The ice was his home and the place where he had found friends, love and a home. Slowly he used his hands to get up on his feet and while it took him a bit longer than usual, he made it.

Yes, it was enough for today and now that he knew that the ice would not break under him, Victor would try other things with time. With that thought in his mind he turned back to the entrance but stopped when he noticed that he wasn't alone anymore. There was Yuuri, smiling with his flushed cheeks and eyes shining in a way Victor hadn't seen before.

Feeling a bit embarrassed but nonetheless happy, he skated towards the entrance and the moment he left the ice his legs gave in and he was sitting there on the ground, smiling while he tried not to cry.

“Welcome back.” Yuuri said, kneeling next to Victor without touching him. This time Victor was grateful for that because he really needed the space so he could breath and let all the feelings sink in.

“Yeah... thank you.” he said, feeling even happier because that was the smile he wanted to see on Yuuri's face.

 

* * *

 

That evening they ate in Victor's room but didn't talk much because they both needed the silence to comprehend what happened that day. Yuuri also left a bit earlier than usual and wished Victor a good night saying that he would see him the next day. Victor agreed happily and climbed on his bed when he was finally alone and just breathed for a long time while his legs and feet remembered the feeling of skating.

While lying in his bed he reached for his phone and sent a text to Yakov to share the news that he entered the ice again. He thought about texting Chris as well but decided that he should call him because there was more to say that could never fit in one simple text. Feeling giddy and excited, he dialed Chris number and waited until he picked up, his deep voice sounding happy.

“Why aren't you sleeping, Victor? It must be late in Japan.” Chris said amused.

“I can't because today has been a good day.” Victor sighed and remembered not only the moment on the ice but also Yuuri's face and that he now knew how he was truly feeling about him. “Are you free to talk for a bit?”

“Hanging in there, huh? Good for you. And yes, I do have some time to spare.”

Victor told Chris about the past weeks and how he stopped drinking and began a healthy life again. He could hear in Chris's voice that he was smiling and that he was happy for him and for the fact that he had, finally, found a way out of the dark place he had been living in for far too long. Then, when he told Chris that he even skated today, Chris' gasp and excitement made him almost blush but smile equally as hard as his friend probably was.

“Did you tell Yakov?” Chris asked.

“Yeah, he's probably crying and thinking I'll start competing again.” Victor sighed.

“You won't?”

“Hmm, I don't know. It was my first day back on the ice and it's still... hard. I don't know if I can go back to where I was.”

Victor didn't think so far ahead because it was scaring him but also kind of pointless to worry about that. He may have his life back and he was healthier and doing much better, but he wasn't where he wanted to be and didn't feel like he could be the Victor he used to be. He didn't even want to because that Victor would bring him back into the darkness and maybe the new Victor wasn't up for competitions.

“No, it's too soon for that. You should focus on getting better and only that.” Chris eventually said and Victor felt something good rising inside him. His friend understood him no matter what he did and what he decided. Such a good friend was rare and he was grateful that Chris didn't give up on him.

“Yes. But... there is more and I'm... new to this I guess.”

“Oh? What else?” Chris asked.

“I have... feelings for someone. Like, serious feelings, you know?” Victor tried to describe it without saying the obvious. Thinking 'I'm in love' was still different from saying it out loud.

“Feelings? You mean, you're in love?” Chris asked and there was something teasing and amusing in his voice and it was even weirder hearing someone else saying it out loud. Suddenly it felt even more true and Victor felt how his cheeks became warmer and anyone could have seen the blush on his pale skin.

Luckily no one was around.

“Yeah... I guess you can say that. And you actually know him.”

“Him? Wait... are you talking about Yuuri Katsuki?” Chris asked and there was something off in his voice. It wasn't a negative sound or one that worried Victor or made him feel uncomfortable. It was like Chris already knew how Victor felt for Yuuri and that surprised Victor.

“You're not surprised?” Victor asked, the weird uncomfortable feeling growing bigger inside of him.

“Ah... I guess you still don't remember. But you do know that you two met, right?”

Victor nodded to himself and remembered that Chris couldn't see him doing that so he said: “Yeah, I know. But I don't remember when or how. I... don't remember a lot of things.”

“I'm sure you'll remember soon, don't worry. So, have you confessed?” Chris asked teasingly to distract Victor from the bad feeling that kept on growing.

“No... not yet. I want to wait until I can stand on my own feet without relying on others too much. Yuuri is helping me a lot so I don't want it to come across as something I haven't thought about, you know?”

“Hmm... I guess that makes sense. Trust your gut, okay? Your gut is never wrong.” Chris said and tried to cheer him up because Victor didn't sound as cheerful as before.

It bothered him that he couldn't remember and he was scared that he might have done something wrong. But asking what he did felt equally wrong because he wanted to remember and figure it all out by himself since he was the one who ruined almost everything.

“Chris... uh... did I do something bad to Yuuri? In the past I mean. I don't... want any details I just need to know this.”

“No. I don't think you did.” Chris answered immediately without hesitation and it helped Victor to calm down a bit. “But I suggest that you check your phone or your computer. Maybe it'll help you remember everything.”

His phone?

Right, Victor deleted everything from his phone and saved it on his laptop because he couldn't bear seeing pictures and videos from a past when he was happy and full with life. Though, when he looked down on his bed and remembered that the laptop was under it, he didn't feel good anymore. Was he ready to meet his past and remember everything? Was he ready to look at the pictures of Makkachin and of a time when skating was his life?

“I will, thank you.” Victor said and didn't voice his fear.

Today was not the day to do that.

 

* * *

 

Although his legs still hurt and he felt especially exhausted, Victor got up early to run. Somehow he managed to be in the right mind-set and focused on getting better instead of giving in to his body. After lunch he went to the ice skating hall to watch Yuuri and the kids practice but didn't join them yet and Yuuri didn't ask him to do so. He understood that Victor wasn't ready to skate in front of anyone, not even kids, and it had nothing to do with fear or feeling embarrassed. What Victor needed was space and time to grow and feel slowly comfortable on the ice once again.

The next day it was just him and Yuuri on the ice and they both skated without talking. While Victor focused on his movements and the feeling of the ice, he also managed to watch Yuuri – even though that made him slip and fall sometimes, which was new but nothing that shocked him that ~~so~~ much, that he needed to leave the ice. Victor saw Yuuri skating with the kids and on his own many times and noticed two different Yuuri's.

One forgot about himself and focused on the kids and how fun ice skating was for them and explained everything they needed to know and wanted to know. The other Yuuri was the one who almost never smiled when he skated because he was focused on the skating itself. Sometimes he spaced out and Victor wondered where he went inside his head and he knew that moment and feeling from himself and from many other skaters. Only when Yuuri left the ice he would finally smile.

But skating together, Victor figured, brought a constant smile on Yuuri's face. He seemed to be so happy and in peace with the world, that Victor wanted to know what the reason was but, at the same time, he didn't want to make Yuuri uncomfortable or make him aware of the fact that Victor noticed that. Because the chances were high that Yuuri would try to stop that expression and that was not what Victor wanted.

Then he remembered that Yuuri was also his fan and spending time with their idol made every fan happy. Victor didn't like that thought though. Because if that was true, it would mean that Yuuri was happy as a fan and not because he liked Victor for himself.

That thought bothered him for a while but didn't stop him from getting better.

Weeks flew by, November came and with that Yuuri's birthday. They celebrated with all his friends and family who were living in Hasetsu. Even the kids and their parents visited the Inn to wish Yuuri a Happy birthday. It was a happy and loud celebration with a tipsy Yuuri and his drunk dad who forgot his inhibition level and danced on the tables with everyone. Yuuri groaned and turned red while everyone was laughing and clapping along because that was nothing they hadn't seen before. Victor didn't drink anything because he wasn't trusting himself enough to not fall back to his old lifestyle. Besides, he didn't need to be drunk to have just as much fun, since he was a rather happy and sociable person by nature.

It was pretty late when everyone decided to leave while the snow fell for the first time since winter came. It was so beautiful to watch the white snowflakes fall down and covering the ground and even more beautiful was to see a flushed Yuuri saying bye to his friends, wrapped up in a huge scarf and his coat until it was just him and Victor standing in front of the entrance. He thought about confessing in that moment because it seemed romantic and perfect.

But it was still Yuuri's birthday and he didn't want to make it about his feelings.

 

* * *

 

“I'm going to join you guys on the ice today.” Victor said to Yuuri when they were in the changing room together with the kids – who chatted happily about what they wanted for Christmas.

“Really? That's amazing.” Yuuri's eyes were shining and he was smiling so hard that Victor felt like he was having a deja vu. For the first two seconds Victor just stared at Yuuri, feeling his heart jumping wildly and then he smiled back and nodded slowly.

“You're going to skate with us?” Shingo asked who suddenly appeared between them. “Your leg's better?”

“Indeed it is.” Victor confirmed with a grin.

“I've seen videos of you doing amazing jumps, can you show me them?”

“Me too!” the other kids called in unison.

“Well, I can try but I won't promise anything.” Victor agreed and felt the familiar nervousness and cold fear returning.

Skating and gliding was fine, but jumping was still bringing back the worries that he might fail again and never get up again. Because whenever there were more people than him and Yuuri, he felt like those people expected him to do amazing because of who he used to be. The old need to surprise the people around him and make them feel something good while watching him glide over the ice, returned. And he couldn't shake it off.

However, Victor tried not to think about that and joined the kids and Yuuri on the ice, which turned out to be more fun than he imagined. Sometimes he held hand with one of the kids and helped them find the right balance so they could hold themselves up and skate without help. Sometimes he would skate beside them and show them spins that were easy and the kids would try the same and wobble or fall but then get up eagerly again.

“Victor! I want to see that jump!” Shingo called when Yuuri announced that the lesson was almost over. The hope that he might have forgotten about that vanished, and he joined the group as they gathered together. His eyes went to Yuuri as if he could help him decide what to do but then he looked away and focused on the small human beings, looking at him with hopeful eyes.

“Come on guys, you've already seen all the jumps.” Yuuri said and Victor guessed that he was trying to protect and help him but he wasn't sure if he felt grateful for that or ashamed of himself for the fact that he couldn't speak for himself.

“But Sensei falls many times and Victor never does.” Shingo complained. Yes, Victor knew by now that Shingo was not just eager but also stubborn.

“Okay.” Victor said without thinking when he saw Yuuri opening his mouth to say something.

No, he needed to stand up for himself, even in situations like this. Because Yuuri wouldn't be always around to help Victor, that's how life was. Yet, Victor felt how his mouth turned dry and his body became heavy. No, he could do it. He had been practicing so much on and off the ice and his body was strong and healthy enough to do it, right?

Determined, he skated away from them and didn't look at Yuuri to know what his expression was or maybe he would change his mind. While putting a safe distance between them, he thought about the jumps he used to do and then which of those he could do now after such a long time. In his mind he recalled the movements, the speed and the strength he needed for the jumps that would clearly surprise them, surprise Yuuri.

_What if you fall_ , a voice whispered in his head over and over again but Victor shook it off and started to skate slowly to get the feeling back that born whenever he prepared himself to do so.

Before he realized he was doing it, Victor jumped. He didn't think about anything nor did he hear a sound. All he focused on was his body and his legs and to land safely without falling. Somehow his legs found the solid ground, somehow the wind kept on blowing through his hair and clothes and when he opened his eyes he looked straight at Yuuri who… wasn't smiling.

No, Yuuri couldn't close his mouth, just like the kids who were still gasping and one was tucking at Yuuri's hand, pointing at Victor.

He did it?

Victor looked down and his feet were still moving as if that was what they had been doing all their life.

He did it, he jumped his signature move, the quadruple flip.

The realization happened slowly but when it hit him he couldn't stop his lips from smiling. Though the exhaustion hit him pretty fast and he slipped and fell and he heard Yuuri calling his name but all he could do was laugh. A laugh that let everything he had been holding inside, out.

“Victor, are you-”

“That was amazing!” The kids interrupted Yuuri and gathered around Victor.

“That was hard, believe me. You need to practice a lot before you can do that kind of jump.” Victor said when the children didn't stop asking questions and telling him how awesome that jump was.

“Sensei can do that jump too though.” Toru said while holding Yuuri's hand. “Right, Sensei?”

“Uh... yeah. I can.” Yuuri confirmed and then looked back at Victor who simply smiled to show Yuuri that he was alright. But Yuuri didn't smile back and that bothered Victor so much that he forgot all about his own success.

Did he do something wrong? Did he hurt Yuuri in some way? No... he was getting better and that was what Yuuri wanted too, right?

“Let's get back and change. Your parents will arrive soon.” Yuuri informed them and the kids left the ice, still excitedly talking about the jump Victor showed them.

 

* * *

 

When it was time to go home Yuuri didn't go with Victor to the Inn.

It was weird because they wanted to eat lunch together in Victor's room on that day. Yuuri instead excused himself saying that he needed to get something from his apartment and Victor only nodded and told him that he would wait for him.

The moment he was alone his mind was running wild and creating theories about Yuuri’s weird behavior. Victor had been sure that he would surprise Yuuri with that jump and make him happy too. But that didn't happen and it made Victor feel worse. The fear he sometimes felt and the worries about what he should and could do, were suddenly so small and unimportant.

The only thing that kept him sane and even a bit calm, was the fact that Yuuri never broke his promises and so Victor waited for him to come to the Inn.

Though, when it was time for lunch, Yuuri didn't appear in his room nor did Hiroko come to tell Victor that lunch was ready. Everything seemed odd and the worry that he might have hurt Yuuri came back. Feeling restless he decided to leave his room and see if Yuuri was maybe outside or at least ask his mother if she knew something.

The sight Victor saw though was one he never expected to see or even thought about. Right when he was about to enter the bar he saw Yuuri and his mother and took two steps back to hide against the wall so they couldn't see him. Still, Victor peeked around the corner and couldn't see Hiroko's face, only part of her body and her arms which caressed Yuuri's arms gently. Then he saw Yuuri's face and his heart stopped while a new kind of pain ran through his body. Big tears were running down Yuuri's flushed cheeks and though he kept on wiping them away they wouldn't stop falling. His mouth was moving but Victor couldn't hear what he was saying or maybe his mind was too busy handling the view of Yuuri crying bitterly, that he simply wasn't able to hear anything.

He leaned back against the wall, pressing his hand against his chest as if he was trying to push the pain away.

So he did hurt him after all? Was he the reason why Yuuri was crying so hard?

Victor looked back at them and the tears had stopped but Yuuri's face was all puffy from the crying so Victor decided to go back into his room and give Yuuri the time he needed to calm down. Confronting Yuuri now felt wrong and he didn't want to make him more upset than he already was. Maybe he should tell Yuuri to go home because he clearly didn't want to be here.

Victor groaned and pressed his hand against his forehead after he entered his room. The state of his mind was even worse than before. What was he supposed to do? Was there anything he could do? Was there something he needed to apologize for? Confused, he sat down at the table in front of his bed where they always had lunch together and waited. Thinking didn't bring the answers. He needed to wait for Yuuri to come and ask. That was the only way to know the truth.

Victor waited for almost an hour before Yuuri finally knocked against his door and walked inside, carrying a tray with his right hand. His face looked much better but it was still easy to tell that he had been crying. Only the small smile on Yuuri's face gave him hope that it wasn't his fault that Yuuri had been crying because he wasn't that good in keeping a poker face when he was around Victor.

“Sorry for being late.” Yuuri said and placed the tray with their lunch on the table.

“It's alright.” Victor smiled but his eyes never left Yuuri's face.

Victor thought about waiting until they were done eating and tell Yuuri what he saw and ask his questions. Maybe it was better to have a talk with a full stomach but when he looked at Yuuri he could tell that he was not in the mood to eat anything, just like Victor.

The silence became sort of awkward and Victor thought hard about something he could say to break it.

“Victor?” Yuuri broke the silence and looked at him with hopeful eyes. Without a word Victor looked back and gave Yuuri his undivided attention. “You... surprised me today with that jump. It made me speechless in a good way and I... I was wondering if you could watch something.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” Victor asked clearly not following Yuuri.

“It's a couple of videos put together into one video during the competition last year. I know you haven't seen what happened after you decided to take a break... but I think... or I hope that you feel good and stable enough to watch it.”

“You mean when you won gold?”

“Yes. It's not... it's not like I want to brag... that's not what the videos are about. It's something different.” Yuuri stuttered and held his phone in his hands nervously.

He was proud of what he accomplished and Victor knew that kind of pride and Yuuri had every right to feel proud about what he accomplished. It was a good thing and healthy to know what you were good at and what not.

“Don't worry, Yuuri. It's okay. _I'm okay_. I've never felt better actually.”

And it wasn't even a lie. When he managed the jump Victor felt like his younger self who loved ice skating, who was happy about everything he accomplished and proud of himself and that his hard work was starting to pay off. It was the pure happiness a kid could feel so easily while as an adult it became harder and harder. It was like a boost for his self confidence and for the love and respect he needed for himself. But he forgot all about that when he saw Yuuri's expressions during that day. Maybe those videos were the answer?

“Okay... then... here. Just watch it till the end, okay?” Yuuri asked and handed Victor his phone.

Holding the phone in his hand, Victor nodded slowly and touched the play sign on the display. He saw an ice skating rink and heard the familiar sound of voices filling the hall. Then he heard Chris talking while he filmed the crowd, talking directly to Victor.

“If you're watching this, Victor, I guess you're doing fine. Otherwise you wouldn't be seeing any of this.”

The camera moved to Yuuri, dressed in a black and blue costume who, at first, didn't notice that Chris was filming him. “And here we have Yuuri Katsuki who's waiting for his turn. Did you know that he's the reason why we're doing this?” Chris said amused.

“Chris! Stop! It's embarrassing!” Yuuri complained and blushed in the video.

“Come on, Yuuri. After all you're skating for Victor, right?”

Yuuri didn't say anything but blushed even more before he suddenly changed his expression and looked determined, more than Victor had ever seen. “Right, that's true. But I also want to win this competition.”

There was a cut and the location changed. It was now in a restaurant and this time it was Yuuri filming as he spoke behind the camera.

“You guys wanted to say something, right?”

“We miss you, Victor!” It was Phichit Chulanont who Victor also knew and remembered that he was a rather cheerful guy and always taking pictures whenever he could.

“I'm waiting for you to come back, Vitya. After all I haven't won against you yet.” Chris said in his own, kind of, charming and seducing way. But that was just who he was and Victor understood him. The camera kept on moving and suddenly there was Yuri, a grumpy expression on his face as he said: “You better get your shit together, Victor. Or I'll take your spot soon.”

The film showed them in the restaurant for a while longer before it changed back to a corridor and he saw two women he didn't know.

“Get well soon, Victor! We're waiting for you!” They said and they were not the only faces Victor didn't know.

More short clips of strangers appeared wishing him to get better soon and to come back and saying that they loved him. It took him a while to understand that those people were probably his fans who didn't seem to be upset or to think badly about him. They all had a genuine smile on their faces and wished him all the good things you could wish for a person. Seeing that was showing him that he had been so wrong about so many things. Because Victor believed for a long time that most people had given up on him and that many were disappointed. But he was watching the exact opposite and it touched his heart in a painful and yet warm way.

And it were not just fans but also ice skaters he knew and coaches he once met as well.

The video changed back to the ice rink and this time it was someone skating. It was Yuuri who wore a different costume this time and the crowd was going crazy when he managed the quadruple flip.

“Do you see that, Victor? Yuuri is doing all of this just for you.” Chris said behind the camera while Yuuri finished his performance and at the end he looked straight into the camera for the television – as he could see on the big screens in the background – as if he was trying to reach someone through his eyes. “We all skate not just for ourselves but also for you.”

Victor wasn't sure if he was even blinking anymore because he needed to see and hear everything and more. What did Chris mean when he said that Yuuri was doing all of this just for him?

The video turned black and Victor waited some seconds before he looked back at Yuuri who was giving Victor a weird look. One filled with insecurity and fear that maybe it had been a bit too much or completely wrong to show Victor all of that. Or maybe it was hope that Victor understood what this video actually meant?

He needed to ask to be sure before he'd do something stupid.

“What did Chris meant when he said you did all of this for me?”

Yuuri hesitated before answering, not looking at him at first.

“When I heard about you taking a break I was... sad. But I thought that after all the things you did and accomplished you deserved a break. As a fan I want the best for you, obviously. Then though... all these things happened and I read about a lot of things in the media and didn't believe any of it at first. Not until Yakov called me and told me everything.”

Yakov called Yuuri? Victor was surprised at first but then he remembered that they had a past he couldn't remember and maybe that was why Yakov trusted Yuuri.

“I was... so sad and it hurt so bad to hear all of that. But it wasn't the only thing Yakov told me. He also told me about who you are and what you can do and it felt like... I was getting to know you more and more. I know it sounds crazy but... right then I made a decision. That...I'd dedicate and win the next competition for you. I hoped that even though your life was a mess and out of control, that you'd still watch the competition and see us and your fans still caring about you.”

Yuuri breathed in and slowly out before he looked straight into Victor's eyes. “Whenever I entered the ice and performed... I thought about you and hoped that I could reach you somehow. And it wasn't just me but everyone else. We all... became friends during that competition and gave our best for the same goal. But when I heard that you didn't watch any of it... I felt like an idiot for believing that someone like me could help you. However, Yakov didn't give up and me neither and that's how we thought that maybe it would help you to come here. ”

Victor didn't believe his ears and what he apparently was hearing. Yuuri dedicated a whole competition just to him? He put so much energy and time into everything and won only for Victor? And he, the biggest idiot on earth, didn't see any of it? Yuuri had no reason to feel bad, but Victor had too many.

“We met before, as you know. And I guess you still don't remember otherwise you would've said something. But... back then I stopped being a simple fan and wanted to get to know you. The real you. I sort of did that through Yakov but when you arrived here it seemed like everything had just been some sort of dream. However... you worked hard and... here we are.”

It took all of Victor's strength to not jump Yuuri and devour him because that was what his body wanted and his heart even more. Still, he held himself back because there was one more question he needed to get an answer to, before he let his mind completely understand everything he had seen and everything Yuuri said.

“I... saw you crying though. I wasn't like following you around or anything. I just kind of... stumbled into that moment and today... you gave me this weird look when I jumped. So I was confused that maybe I've hurt you in some way.” Victor explained. “What was that about? Did I hurt you?”

Yuuri's eyes widened and his mouth hung slightly open as if he was listening to something insane or something that was ridiculous and impossible. So he shook his head heavily and said: “No! Nothing like that... I... watching you these past weeks and seeing you doing that jump... it made me happy. So happy that I couldn't help myself and cry because there was the Victor I've missed and love-”

Before Yuuri could finish his sentence Victor closed the distance between them and wrapped his hands around Yuuri's face to hold it still so he could press his lips, gently, against Yuuri's. Yuuri – obviously – stopped moving and even breathing and didn't respond at all. Victor though didn't mind because he wanted Yuuri to feel how he felt through that kiss and he didn't push Yuuri nor did he move any closer. He pulled back soon after and gave Yuuri the space and chance to say something or do something. Yet, he smiled at him, warm, gentle and watched Yuuri's cheeks turning into a gentle pink.

“Y... you kissed me.” Yuuri stuttered breathless, his glasses askew on his nose.

“I'm sorry... I couldn't hold back anymore.” Victor said in a low voice, letting his forehead rest on Yuuri's shoulder. “It's just... seeing and hearing all of this... I can't help myself but fall in love with you more and more.”

“More and... so you... I mean... are you sure?”

Victor knew that what Yuuri said didn't make any sense and Yuuri himself knew that as well. However, he couldn't stop himself from teasing Yuuri a bit.

“What kind of question is that? Of course I'm sure.” He pulled back so he could see Yuuri's face which wasn't that red anymore, but his eyes still showed Victor that Yuuri still didn't quite understand what was happening.

“I mean... we met before and now we met again and I got to know so much about you and myself... I found myself again because I was here and because you were beside me. And now knowing that you did all of this just for me, how can I not love you?” Victori said.

Yuuri blushed harder than before and Victor tried so hard not to giggle or chuckle because of how adorable he was. It was out, he said it, and he didn't expect from Yuuri to say the same thing back but it became their thing to surprise the other with each passing day.

And Yuuri didn't stop doing just that.

“Me too,” he mumbled and looked anywhere else but at Victor.

“What?” Victor asked smiling. Because if what Yuuri had done for him wasn't a declaration of love than he had no idea what it was. Maybe Yuuri himself hadn't understood his own feelings and maybe he didn't want to voice him in the same way Victor did. And that was fine because he understood Yuuri even without words now.

“I mean... you know... love... me too.” he said and this time his eyes found Victor's.

“Yeah. I know.” Victor whispered and leaned closer to steal another kiss to which Yuuri responded gently. Never had his heart beaten faster or been happier than it was right in that moment.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left! Kudos and comments are much appreciated and thank you for reading and all the support :)


	8. Part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! Last chapter :) I hope you enjoy it!

 

The happiness that filled his body and soul was different from any other happiness he  had ever experienced in his life. It wasn't better than the  kind of happiness he felt on the ice or  the kind he felt when he won a competition or the  simple  happiness you  can feel after a good meal or a good sleep. It was a new happiness that he could only feel through and with the person he loved and  the fact that he was one of those lucky people, was still hard to believe. 

To Victor it felt like a dream lying on his bed and resting his head on Yuuri's chest, listening to his heartbeat. Hearing that sound was also rather new but it was calming and, knowing that this was the heartbeat of the person he loved, made that sound very special. 

When Victor thought about how he got to this point he couldn't stop the little chuckle  from  escaping his lips. 

First they ate lunch after Yuuri became too embarrassed because of their kissing \- which wasn't long or too deep \- and asked to take a break. But it was Yuuri's first time experiencing something like that, and Victor understood and accepted Yuuri's decision. After lunch he somehow managed to convince Yuuri to cuddle with him for a while before he would go home. As usual, at first, Yuuri was clearly tense and unsure of what he was supposed to do but the moment he sat on Victor's bed and got used to the feeling of Victor, who wrapped his arms around him and rested his head on Yuuri's chest, he calmed down and embraced Victor back.

They didn't say a thing for a while and let their bodies  get  used to each other and all the awkwardness faded slowly. Though Victor was more than sure that Yuuri needed more time to get used to this or to understand that all of this was real and that Victor, now, was a part of Yuuri and he could kiss and touch him whenever he wanted to. 

“Do you have... experience when it comes to romantic relationships?” Yuuri asked quietly and Victor felt how his body became warmer. He was probably blushing hard he guessed, without even looking at his face. 

“Some, I'd say. But compared to the relationships I had before I've never felt the way I do now.”

“Huh... I have... no experience at all. So... I'm not sure what to do.” Yuuri admitted. 

“I know, and that's fine, don't worry. As long as it feels good you shouldn't worry at all.”

Yuuri didn't say anything and Victor pulled back to see his face and noticed that Yuuri seemed to be conflicted.

“Doesn't it feel good? We can stop if you want to.” Victor suggested and slowly pulled away but Yuuri stopped him. 

“No, that's not it. It does... feel good but it's... kind of unreal and a bit embarrassing for me. I thought this was never possible...but now it's happening.”

“I feel the same way.” Victor smiled warmly, watching with amusement the surprise on Yuuri's face. 

“Really? You seem to have... no issues with... you know? Being all touchy-feely.”

“Perhaps it comes across like that and it's probably true. However, being with you, the person I love, feels unreal for me too, still.”

Yuuri thought for some moments and then he nodded to himself. “That's calming me down because I don't want to disappoint you.”

“Hey.” Victor breathed and planted a kiss on Yuuri's nose. “You can't disappoint me because I love you for who you are and I don't expect anything. So, don't worry about anything. Just be yourself.”

And that made Yuuri smile and they remained like that for a bit longer, until Yuuri announced that he really needed to go home. 

 

* * *

 

When Victor woke up he wondered if everything that happened the evening before was just a dream.

Something as good as that seemed to be too good to be true, right? But his mind, and especially his body, remembered and Victor knew it hadn't been a dream. Everything really happened and now he was allowed to embrace the love he felt and share it with Yuuri. 

Though he wondered if Yuuri wanted to share their new relationship with anyone just yet. He should have asked that yesterday, Victor thought, but he forgot all about that. In fact, didn't everyone already know?

Yuuri won last years competition and let everyone know that he was not skating for himself only but that he wanted to reach out to Victor, together with everyone else.

Right!

Victor rushed into the bathroom to get dressed and when he came back he took his phone and started to look for more videos that showed Yuuri from last year. If there was any doubt in his mind it all vanished away after he watched several interviews with Yuuri who made sure to remind,  to  the whole world, that he was doing  everything for Victor. 

Victor wondered if Yuuri already felt something for him back then, or maybe Yuuri did, but he wasn't aware of that himself - just like Victor never understood until later why his heart reacted the way it did whenever he saw Yuuri. Now he understood, and watching the person he loved care so much about him, filled him with so much happiness that it brought tears to his eyes. The time to punish himself was over and Victor never wanted to go back to such a dark place. He never wanted to destroy himself and hurt others that much ever again. 

With this overwhelming happiness, he left the Inn to go for his daily run and to everyone else he must have looked like an smiling idiot with a little jump in his step. Once he was back at the Inn he took a shower and got ready for breakfast before he would meet Yuuri to go to the ice rink – though Victor wondered if they could do something else, like going on a date.

But Yuuri surprised him. 

There he stood in the hallway much earlier than usual,  blushing when he noticed Victor walking towards him. 

“Yuuri!” Victor smiled without a care in the world and walked a bit faster so he could finally hug his boyfriend – his boyfriend!. “Good morning.” he mumbled against his hair. 

“Mo... morning, Victor.” Yuuri stuttered and didn't hug Victor back, freezing on the spot and blushing even more. 

“You're early today. Did you miss me?” Victor asked without thinking too much because his excitement overwhelmed him and his mouth followed his feelings and not his mind. 

“I... I guess.” Yuuri admitted and looked at him with a rather insecure look but that disappeared when Victor smiled warmly and showed Yuuri that he understood. 

“Did you already had breakfast though? I thought we could eat together and then go to the ice rink.” Yuuri asked. 

“No, I was going to just now.”

They went into the dining room where Yuuri's mother greeted them, equally surprised that her son was already there but both didn't say a thing about the reason why and she didn't ask any further. The moment they were alone, walking towards the hall, Victor asked Yuuri if he wanted to keep their relationship a secret for now. 

“Not really. I know they'll support and be happy for us. It's just that I've never been in this kind of situation, that's all.” Yuuri explained.

“That's all?” Victor asked because he had a feeling like there was more.

And he was right.

“I have... no doubt that I want to be with you...It's something I've wanted for a long time but I haven't been aware of that because you were always out of my reach. Now you're here but... what about the future? Have you thought about that? Like...are you going back to Russia?”

Victor looked away from Yuuri so he could think without being distracted and come up with an answer he realized he still didn't have. The future? Right.

His home was Russia and his family and most of his friends were there, his whole life was there. But he didn't feel like returning. What was the point in going back when all he had was actually here? And it wasn't just Yuuri. It was far more than that. This place had become his home and, though the people around him didn't know much about who Victor truly was, they still helped and supported him without asking for anything in return. 

“I'm sorry... I'm probably thinking too far into the future.” Yuuri apologized and Victor could hear the panic in his voice.

“No, you're right. I should think about the future.” Victor said and rested his hand on Yuuri's shoulder.

The future...

Victor already thought about that but not how Yuuri intended. Whenever he thought about the future it was always about what he didn't want it to be like. Now though, that he and Yuuri were a couple – even if just for a day – there was no doubt that he wanted to be where Yuuri was. But he also knew that there were things he couldn't take care of from here like Yakov, Yuri, Russia in general. At some point he needed to go back and make a statement and show the world that he was okay again and make the people who cared and worried about him, happy again. 

He thought about that for many days and became so exhausted at the end of each day that all he could do was cuddle with his boyfriend and think about nothing for a while. 

The kisses and gentle touches they shared before one of them went home were something Victor needed to find some sort of safety and comfort. Because the future was still unknown and even if he tried to imaging the future how he wanted it to be, it didn't mean that it would become a reality.

And that scared him.

However, while skating, he realized that jumps and certain movements  were becoming easier with time until they felt natural and even Yuuri said that Victor seemed to be Victor again. 

Victor realized that Yuuri was right.

The need to drink, the nightmares, every demon seemed to be gone and all his mind could focus on was the things he loved. Both of them calmed him down and even if he had no answer for the future yet, it would come naturally, right?

It was the end of January when Victor decided to use his laptop and face something he had been running away form as well. If he could face the past he kept hidden from himself, then he was ready to face everything else as well, right? At least that was what he came up with and hoped that facing all of that would help him find an answer  in regards of the future. 

Yes, he still wanted to become a coach but for some reason he felt like he wasn't ready for that yet.

Victor climbed on his bed after he plugged the charger into his laptop and started it. While waiting he replied to Yuuri, who asked him what he wanted for dinner – because that evening he would go to Yuuri's place – with 'I'm fine with everything', because he couldn't come up with an idea right now. His mind was focused on his laptop and on what he wanted to do. 

His breathing became a bit faster and his hands sweaty while he stared at the folder he didn't even name when he created. But Victor didn't hesitate and opened it to find two other folders, one with pictures and the other one with videos. First he opened the folder with the pictures and the first one was, as expected, one of Makkachin. What he felt was hard to describe but it made him  happy and sad at the same time when he looked at his dog and remembered when he took  that picture.

There were many other pictures of him, happy pictures of them together and Makkachin alone sleeping in a funny position or hunting butterflies in a park. They were all warm and calming and, even though a tear or two left Victor's eye, he realized that the pain he felt had become something he could handle. 

After the pictures of him and Makkachin he found pictures, taken at the ice hall back in Russia, of Yuri and Yakov and Mila during practice. He found selfies of him and Chris and other ice skaters he met during his last competition. They made him laugh, they made him huff and sigh but then other pictures caught his attention and Victor couldn't immediately recall where they were from.

Those were pictures of Yuuri. 

A drunk Yuuri if he wasn't completely wrong. Yuuri with a tie around his head, dancing in a funny way with the other Yuri and some of Yuuri half naked, dancing on a pole with Chris. Victor's mouth hung open as he saw picture after picture. And then there were also some of him and Yuuri dancing and... being happy. So happy that Victor wondered how he could have forgotten all of that.

All of a sudden he remembered. Everything . 

Each memory came back like lightning, brightening the sky for mere seconds before it became dark again. There were also several videos of him and Yuuri dancing – Chris and others recorded them and sent it to Victor after he had begged them to do so. He opened the other folder and there they were. And for a while Victor spent time, watching videos of him and Yuuri dancing. 

Right, he had fallen in love with Yuuri back then and it was the thought of Yuuri that helped him to deal with his lost inspiration. Those feelings kept him alive, made him smile and believe that, one day, he would find his inspiration and meet Yuuri on the ice again and confess  everything  to him. That had been his plan after he got to know a bit more about Yuuri from the others and it was funny to think that Yakov actually did to Yuuri what he had done for Victor. He had told Yuuri so much about him that it felt like he knew Victor and Victor remembered that feeling all to o well. 

But, eventually, when Makkachin died and he lost control over his life all those feelings became painful. 

Unrequited love was one of the worst things, or maybe if he would have contacted Yuuri sooner he would have known that it wasn't unrequited. That was a fact he couldn't change now and back then he couldn't handle. Rather he decided to drink until he forgot everything that hurt him – although he never forgot about Makkachin, but about the pain his loss brought. 

Victor closed his laptop and leaned against the headboard of his bed while he thought about the things Yuuri had done and said in the past months. If Yakov told him stuff about Victor did that mean that he also told Yuuri about his feelings and Yuuri knew all along how Victor felt? Had Yuuri been waiting for Victor and hoping that, being near each other, things would turn out good for them? How many times had he broken Yuuri's heart with his behavior? The thought almost broke his heart but it wasn't like he could change anything now and there was no point in dwelling in the past anymore. 

Now all he could do was move forward and no longer waste his time thinking about that period because there was no reason to anymore. He was back on the ice, he was still himself but with a new experience that helped him become a better and stronger person. 

And he  had found a love he would do anything for. 

Was that what people called fate? That, somehow, life decided that they both needed to walk through pain, through ups and downs so that, when they would meet again, it would be to finally be together? 

Victor smiled to himself for being some sort of hopeless romantic he didn't even know he was. But he liked to believe in that. 

Yes, life had been good with him and he didn't want to be an idiot and not grab this chance. 

He jumped off his bed and hurried to the front door, put on coat, scarf and shoes – it was still winter after all – and ran the meters that separated him from Yuuri. Though he was used to run a lot because of his daily exercise, he was still breathless when he stood in front of Yuuri apartment's door. No wonder considering how hard his heart was beating and how much he wanted to be there and finally tell Yuuri that he remembered everything and that he knew what he wanted to do with his future. 

He knocked against the door and a moment later Yuuri opened it with a slight smile that disappeared when he saw Victor's expression. It was one that, perhaps, showed longing and remorse. 

Victor wasn't sure but he didn't hesitate and closed the distance between them, his arms outstretched just like Yuuri's as if he knew what Victor’s expression meant. 

“I'm sorry that I forgot.” he said against Yuuri's shoulder while squeezing him impossibly closer to his body. He heard how the door closed behind them and mindlessly he took off his shoes – a thing he became used to – and breathed in the familiar scent that was Yuuri's. 

“You finally remember?” Yuuri asked, one of his hands resting on the back of Victor's head as if he was trying to hold the memories inside his mind. It was the first and last time Victor would forget something as important as that. 

“I do.” 

He pulled back reluctantly but he needed to look into Yuuri's eyes. He needed to make sure that Yuuri believed him and understood how earnest he was and that he meant every word he was about to say. 

“I already loved you back then and I did it through all this time and, even though I forgot, I fell in love with you again. And knowing and remembering all of this I realized what I want my future to be like.”

Yuuri didn't say a word but simply listened and let Victor hold his hands while doing so.

“I want to be with you. No matter where and no matter how. But I also want to go back to Russia and compete again... back then, and now too, I've never felt like I was done with ice skating. I want another season and then... I want to be with you and become a coach for other ice skaters.”

Yuuri blinked several times without saying anything still and it was the first time that Victor couldn't tell what Yuuri was feeling or thinking. Yeah, that was probably too much information at once but he needed to get it out. But now it made him nervous, if he was completely honest.

But eventually Yuuri smiled and squeezed his hand while he guided him inside his apartment. 

“I thought about the future as well and I also have to tell you something.” Yuuri admitted.

All Victor could do was nod because his confession surprised him. It had been a thought clouded in his mind and he couldn't explain what he exactly wanted but, when he saw Yuuri and felt his warmth and his arms around him,  everything became clear inside his head. That's why it had been so easy for him to say it out loud \- though now he felt kind of dizzy - and was grateful that Yuuri, however he did that, knew what he needed. 

They sat down on the couch in the living room and Yuuri handed Victor a glass with water before he sat down next to him, still smiling as he pushed his glasses up his nose.

“I'm sorry I hurt you, Yuuri. ” Victor said before his boyfriend could say anything. “You knew everything all along and never pushed me but I can imagine how much it must have hurt you.”

“Yeah... it hurt, I won't lie about that. But I've hurt you as well, didn't I? When I simply disappeared and never took responsibility for what I did and say to you at the banquet. I forgot it myself but Chris and Yakov told me and showed me the evidence and then I remembered. I was too scared and even ashamed of myself because I've never wanted to get close to you in such a way. So... I guess we're even, hm?”

“This is not some sort of competition of who hurt the other more, Yuuri. I don't want to hurt you.” Victor almost whined. 

“No, I know.” he giggled and that baffled Victor. “I'm not angry or hurt anymore. I understand, so you don't need to apologize for anything. I'm grateful that everything worked out, you know?”

Victor wanted to protest but when he imagined doing that it felt like he wasn't respecting Yuuri and his feelings. Instead he nodded and didn't question Yuuri because it felt wrong and unfair. No matter how good he believed to know Yuuri and what he felt and thought, it didn't give him the right to question Yuuri and what he felt and thought. In fact Victor slowly felt relieved and grateful that Yuuri didn't hold any grudge.

“I... I know our relationship is still new and just starting. But there was one thing I've always been sure of and that is that I can't imagine to compete as an ice skater without you on the same ice as well. That's why I started teaching children how to skate. It had been my plan all along and I wanted to do that after winning gold, or if you'd retire. I know it sounds weird that your decision would also influence my future but... I've always looked up to you and I still think that way. Because when I competed and you weren't there it felt... wrong, you know? It wasn't as much fun as it used to be, if that makes sense.”

Yuuri breathed for some seconds before he looked down to their joined hands.

“I'm happy with what I do, I really am. But I hoped that you'd come back and that we could compete against each other and obviously I'd win and you'd recognize me and my talent. That's what I've been dreaming... kind of.” Yuuri admitted embarrassed and rubbed the back of his head as he looked up to see a spark in Victor's eyes and a warm loving smile on his lips. 

“Confident much, hm? I like that idea though. It would give me just more reason to do my best.” Victor said. 

Oh yes, he liked a good competition. He liked to give his best, his everything, into every performance and he liked to see others do the same thing. Especially Yuuri who always lacked a bit of confidence, although there was really no reason to, so it made him really happy to hear that he could be confident and not afraid to show it. 

“But there is more though.” Yuuri admitted and his cheeks became a faint pink. “Remember what I asked you back at the banquet?”

“To become your coach.” Victor said proudly and with a wide smirk on his face. It felt good to remember everything because, after all, those memories were precious and important to him. 

“That is also still true. But I guess... competing and being a coach is perhaps im-”

“I'll do it!” Victor blurted out and the spark in his eyes was fully vivid.

A challenge.

He never said no to a challenge when it was something he knew he could do – even though he still needed to learn how to be a coach. 

“I'd do anything for you, Yuuri. I'll be whatever you want me to be if it means we'll be together.”

Yuuri's blush became even more visible and he lifted his hands to cover his face but didn't do it eventually. Instead he smiled at Victor and the joy of seeing him be himself was visible all over Yuuri's face. No one had ever looked at him in the way Yuuri did and his next words were even more evidence for Victor, that no one could ever look at him the way Yuuri so honestly did.

“I want you to be Victor and no one else.”

Many described him as a touchy-feely person and that was how Victor viewed himself too. But whoever he hugged, kissed on the cheek or simply gave an encouraging pat on the shoulder, it never meant more than that. It had never been anything beyond friendship and just his way to make people feel good about themselves. 

With Yuuri though it was different and this feeling of never getting enough of his warmth and his scent was almost ridiculous. Love was ridiculous, Victor thought, but not less beautiful. And it was so big that he wanted Yuuri to know about it all and Yuuri, even though inexperienced and not used to it, welcomed that love slowly more and more with each passing day. Victor wondered if Yuuri was even aware of the fact that he gave him the same in return in Yuuri's own very unique and beautiful way. 

Victor leaned closer towards him to hold his face gently and kiss him with all the love he had  and  that he knew would keep on growing. 

Yuuri hummed against his lips as he opened his mouth to welcome Victor's tongue and met it with his own in a slow, gentle dance until he remembered dinner and pulled back – Victor, of course, chasing after him and his lips.

“I need to check our dinner.” Yuuri whispered but still kissed Victor back, even though he raised from the couch. 

“Yuuuuuri.” Victor whined needy and followed him with his head to steal more kisses but never getting up himself. 

Yuuri giggled, that adorable giggle that shot right into Victor's heart and warmed his body up from the inside. “We can do that later.”

One last kiss and then Victor let go of Yuuri's arms and watched him walking to the kitchen.

Of course he couldn't stay away so he helped Yuuri get the plates and set on the table in the living room and, with a comfortable silence they ate dinner. 

After that Yuuri – who finally managed to take his Playstation into his apartment – suggested to watch a movie together but they weren't really watching, preferring talking about what to do next since it was clear that they wanted to compete together. 

Victor knew that he had to go back to Russia at some point and get his stuff if he wanted to coach Yuuri and practice himself at the same time. He thought about taking Yuuri with him and stay there but it seemed like a bit too much to ask for, since Yuuri had a job here and he was very fond of the kids and loved what he was doing. But Yuuri surprised him when he said that he'd go with Victor and that he could take some time off, even if he eventually wanted to return. 

“I won't let you go through this alone, Victor. I understand that going back must be hard and facing all of that alone... I'm sure you can handle it but I want to be there for you.”

It was so simple for Yuuri to make such a decision and if Victor was honest, knowing that Yuuri would go with him and hold him if he needed, calmed him down considerably. He came this far with his own strength but he didn't come this far all alone and relying on Yuuri wasn't a sign of weakness. Not anymore. 

“I love you.” was all Victor could say in return, showing Yuuri a smile that was perhaps warm and beautiful, but also laying out his soul and making him vulnerable. 

“I love you too.” Yuuri said back and climbed on the couch to wrap his arms around Victor's body and rest on him. 

Victor welcomed him and for the next hour, holding Yuuri and watching him while he watched the movie that was playing in the background,  was all he did . 

He imagined it, them going to Russia, skating on the ice that Victor called his home for so many years. He imagined them practicing with Yakov and with Yuri, then going back and getting ready for the competition. It was so easy to imagine the future and it almost made Victor cry happy tears.

When the movie was over they both didn't move and let the credits roll up on the TV. It was the sign  that they needed to say their good night and Victor would go home. 

But that evening he didn't want to. 

“Can I stay the night?” Victor mumbled into Yuuri's hair while he rested with his back against Victor's chest. 

He said it in a different way than usual and he waited for Yuuri to hear that little sound in his voice which indicated that he wanted this evening to be different, to be special for the both of them. Because it wasn't like they didn't had a sleepover yet or shared the same bed. Those were things they already did but they never shared a night as lovers. Though they made out whenever they could and touched and kissed, it hadn't been more than simply that and Victor wasn't complaining and neither was Yuuri. 

They both didn't feel ready for that step and even if they never would have taken their relationship to that kind of intimacy, Victor wouldn't have complained. Because that was not what their relationship was about and not something he would ever force upon Yuuri or vice versa. However, he didn't want to keep anything untried and he wanted to explore his relationship with Yuuri in any possible and comfortable way. 

Maybe it had something to do with the certainty about their future or maybe about his own mental state. Maybe it had something to do with everything that had happened in the past months that led to this moment. Whatever it was, Victor was grateful that he was allowed to love this person and be loved in return. 

And Yuuri did that in his own way.

Words weren't his strength because he either said too much or he said things in a way that others didn't understand right from the beginning, because Yuuri himself didn't know how to voice his thoughts or feelings all the time. But Victor understood, and when Yuuri pulled back and turned around to face him, he could see it in his eyes that Yuuri wanted to try the same. 

Just to be sure he nodded slowly and kissed Victor as if to give his gesture  a more truthful meaning.

They went to Yuuri's bedroom, silently, their fingers entwined and Victor sat down on the bed while looking up at Yuuri who didn't show him any hesitation or any doubt. Victor knew that this would be Yuuri's first time so he didn't push nor ask for anything. 

It all happened naturally. Them undressing each other, exploring their bodies together and sharing kisses and giving kisses in places that hadn't been explored until that moment. And somehow Victor let Yuuri take the lead and let him decide what he wanted to do and how and, whenever he was at a loss, he asked Victor who answered him earnestly. 

No awkwardness, no doubt, no expectations.

They made love in a way both didn't know, with giggles, with sighs, with moans and whispered words of love.

 

* * *

 

_A couple of months later..._

 

The hall was huge, bigger than Victor remembered and somehow it felt a bit scary to stand in such a big hall, the ice his only friend, while the seats were empty and the wind blowing its own melody. He leaned against the rink walls and let his eyes roam through the hall, pass the empty seats where fans and ice skating lovers were going to sit and cheer loudly tomorrow.

Being back felt so weird, but not bad. Actually it felt good to be back and Victor closed his eyes and recalled his memories of the people cheering and clapping, of the voices filling the hall, the music, the sound of the blades gliding over the ice. 

All of that filled him with excitement but scared him a bit more. Which was fine because it only told him and proved him that this meant something to him and that this was what he loved to do, no matter if he was just a coach or competing himself. 

He smiled to himself while his eyes looked at the ice which he would return to tomorrow as the Victor he used to be, but also as a Victor who was stronger now.

“Hey, here you are!” Victor heard Yuuri's voice coming from one of the doors that lead to the rooms where all ice skaters and coaches gathered together. “I was sure I'd find you here.”

Yuuri walked until he was standing next to him and there was almost no distance between their bodies, a development that made Victor still happy like a little kid because it hadn't always been like that. Yuuri liked his personal space because it was what he had been used to for a very long time, but with Victor becoming his partner, their bodies always connected in some way whenever they were close, even just for a brief moment. 

“Excited for tomorrow?” Yuuri asked.

“And scared.” Victor confessed and rested his arms on the rink walls, taking comfort from their bodies connecting. “But compared to what we went through after I came back here, it's nothing.”

“Yeah... I have to admit I'm still shocked how ruthless the media were. But you handled it well.” Yuuri remembered and smiled at Victor while pushing his glasses up his nose. 

“That's why I was more than happy when we finally returned to Japan. I feel much better there and the food is so good. I can't wait to eat your mom's cooking.”

“Really? Only that?” Yuuri asked in a teasing way that he might have copied from Victor during the past months. But, unlike Victor, he would still blush a bit.

Victor smiled at him and remembered the two weeks they've been separated because Yuuri needed to go back and take care of his business, while Victor needed to stay in Russia for a while longer and take care of his things. It had only been two weeks and yet it had been the loneliest weeks of his life. It was different when they both decided to be away from each other and though he sometimes wondered if their sticking together was unhealthy, Victor couldn't be away from Yuuri for too long. And Yuuri wasn't different.

“Of course. It's our home now.” Victor said and walked so he was standing in front of Yuuri and could hold his face in his hands. “And the place where we found each other again.” he leaned closer to kiss his beaming boyfriend on his lips before he pulled back and said in a serious, yet playful voice. “But from tomorrow on we're also rivals, so you better show everyone what you can do, alright?”

“Same goes to you.” Yuuri said and there was a fire in his eyes but also the gentle glow of the love he only had for Victor. 

Their lips connected again lovingly, slowly so that their bodies felt like they would melt. That was what they both enjoyed the most perhaps – in fact they enjoyed whatever they did together – but both got interrupted by the voice of a blond Russian – Yuri – who was looking for them and when he found them the first thing they heard was a groan of full annoyance. 

“Stop being gross and get the fuck back here!”

He slammed the door behind himself and made the pair chuckle.

“He's right. Everyone's waiting for us and I'm getting hungry,” Yuuri admitted and Victor nodded while he let Yuuri take his hand and guide him to the door. 

Right, there were people he needed to meet and to thank as well. People he knew and cared about. And the people that dedicated part of their competition from two years ago to Victor. People, the person he loved, brought together in order to help Victor find his way back. 

“Yuuri, wait.” Victor said right before Yuuri could open the door. 

“Yes?”

Yuuri turned around and when Victor held his face again and brought their lips together he didn't hesitate, even if he seemed to be confused. He kissed him back with just the same amount of love and want as Victor. 

While Yuuri might have learned to tease Victor from him, Victor had also learned a lot of things from Yuuri. And one of those things was that he didn't need to put everything into words and that, sometimes, was even impossible to do so. That moment was one of those and he tried to show his gratefulness, his love, everything that he felt. Because he remembered all of the things Yuuri – on his own – had done. 

He pulled back after what felt like hours and looked into Yuuri's eyes to see exactly that. Understanding, a sign of the  fact that he simply knew what Victor  was trying  to say and confirmed with that sweet smile he had only for Victor.

He didn't know what he did to deserve all of this, especially to deserve Yuuri. So Victor promised to himself that he would do anything in order to make this love last forever. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, here we are, my first YOI fic is done - and I was so nervous when I started writing it! First, I'd like to thank my beautiful beta who has been helping me for 2 years now I think. I'm really grateful and feel very lucky because I know how hard it is to find a beta. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this story. Right from the beginning I haven't planned this fic to be very romantic - I still hope there was enough romance and fluff though - because I wanted to focus on a headcanon that I have and saw going around on tumblr. That: Victor's past wasn't specifically 'good'. So I thought 'what if' and this fic is the result of that headcanon basically. I wanted this story to be about how to 'forgive yourself', 'love yourself' and 'let go from your demons and live your life'. The relationship between Victor and Yuuri was rather secondary in my mind but not less important, I hope I succeeded to bring that message across to you guys. 
> 
> I've already started writing a new YOI fanfiction and it's called 'A King's Icy Dance' - get ready for Prince!Victor ;). I don't know when I'll start uploading the first chapter but I hope it'll be soon :) maybe I'll see some of you guys around. 
> 
> So, thank you so much for reading, the kudos and comments! It's really important to every writer so we stay motivated and know that people enjoy our stuff! Keep that up guys and know we're grateful and smile like idiots when we see you responding to our work!


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